How to Say “Yes” to Good Enough

“Anyone who tells you they are doing it all perfectly is a liar.”

This is what Shonda Rhimes told the graduating class of Dartmouth College in her 2014 commencement speech. She tells the story in Chapter 5 of her memoir, Year of Yes, explaining that as a working mother, she couldn’t have it all. There would always have to be trade-offs when holding the jobs of parenting and writing, producing, and showrunning TV shows. But Shonda knew she didn’t have to do it all perfectly. She just had to do it “good enough.”

She writes, “If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the trade-off. That is the Faustian bargain one makes with the devil that comes with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel 100 percent okay, you never get your sea legs, you are always a little nauseous.”

No parent is perfect. No employee is perfect, for that matter, and neither is any boss. No job, no spouse, no friend, no face, no body, no book, no song, no painting, no film, no political candidate, no teacher, no student, no house, no car, no business — no thing or situation is perfect. Or at least, objectively perfect. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

“Letting go of perfection often means letting go of fantasy — the flawless career, the ideal partner, the polished self,” says Dr. Cara Gardenswartz, a clinical psychologist and the founder and director of Group Therapy LA & NY, where she and her team provide both individual and group therapy using evidence-based and integrative approaches. “And what’s left is what’s real. Often, it’s in that reality — not the fantasy — where we feel most grounded, connected, and alive.”

A concept that’s growing in popularity in the zeitgeist is good enough, something psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced in the 20th century in his research on parenting. Mothers, he argued, don’t have to be perfect; they just have to be good enough.

A good-enough mindset sounds easy enough to adopt, but it competes with the messaging we often get from parenting gurus, plastic surgeons and aestheticians, fad-diet creators, career experts, decluttering influencers, college-admissions counselors, dating coaches, and the like. They push their books, programs, products, and platforms at us, which implicitly or explicitly promise to make us more perfect human beings. And whatever they’re trying to sell often comes with a hefty price tag.

“Perfectionism is big business. We’re sold the idea that rigid, all-or-nothing approaches are the best way to achieve the changes we want. But research shows that’s not actually true — rigid perfectionism often backfires,” says Yale professor of positive psychology Laurie Santos. Her course “Psychology and the Good Life” is the most popular course in Yale’s 324-year history. “A better approach is one that allows for self-compassion: the idea that we’re not perfect and that messing up is part of life.”

Perfectionism can shut down our dreams. It can kill perfectly good relationships, works of art, and business ideas. And it can really harm our self-esteem. But aiming for good enough can liberate us from this unhealthy mindset, giving us more joy, contentment, and fulfillment in our lives.

Want to learn ways to say “yes” to good enough? Read on for expert insights!

Heal your inner child

One of the most important things you can do to adopt a good-enough mindset is to heal from childhood trauma, which increases feelings of shame and a drive for perfection. Working with a trauma-focused psychotherapist is an excellent way to do so.

“In an attempt to avoid the shame and pain that many [trauma] survivors have deep inside them, they develop traits of perfectionism as a way to counteract this pain, which is largely connected to low self-esteem or other vulnerabilities,” says Kaytlyn Gillis, a licensed trauma-focused psychotherapist and the author of Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing From Childhood Family Trauma. “As a result, this drive towards perfection becomes a coping mechanism to manage feelings of self-doubt and fears of not being accepted or valued.”

Multiple studies have shown a link between childhood abuse — emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and neglect — and other adverse childhood experiences with perfectionism, especially what’s known as socially prescribed perfectionism: feeling the need to look perfect to others. This style of perfectionism includes a pattern of hiding one’s imperfections from the world out of shame and fear.

The good news is there are multiple evidence-based therapies that can help heal this trauma.

“I always tell individuals that it is good to shop around for different modalities. What works for one may not be ideal for you, and this is okay!” says Gillis. “I find that an eclectic, blended approach works best for my clients, but that of course may depend on the survivor. Many of my clients are part of marginalized groups, such as queer survivors of family rejection, so their identity plays a part in modalities I use.”

Finished is always better than perfect

“Perfect is the enemy of good,” as the adage goes, and adopting a good-enough mindset can help you complete all those brilliant ideas you’ve been sitting on, be it a business idea, a song, a novel, a work of art, or even that outfit you’ve been putting together for weeks for a special occasion. (Fashion crises are real!)

Works of art can always be toyed with, tweaked, and made more perfect, but if you never stop working, they will never be completed. If you struggle with this, know that you are absolutely not alone.

Many artists, musicians, and writers admit that completing works can generate, to a small degree at least, feelings of disappointment. Musicians are notorious for saying that a “song is never finished,” and many writers insist that their novels are never as good on the page as they were in their heads before they started writing.

“The ‘good enough’ approach is an effective one because it allows us to find ways to seek out big goals in life without burning ourselves out,” Santos says. “When we set rigid (often impossible) standards, we wind up not only performing worse but also feeling worse about it. A ‘good enough’ approach can help us be kinder to ourselves when we try new things. It can also help us separate our identities from our achievements — which is particularly helpful in cases where we’re chasing after perfectionist goals that might be unattainable.”

Whether you can overcome this inner critic easily to accept being finished with being perfect often depends on how critical your parents were about your grades or performance in any given endeavor. If they were strict taskmasters who were constantly demanding more from you or were just critical in general, you will likely have to do some work to deprogram yourself from the idea of perfection.

“One of the first things I do is help clients slow down and get curious about their inner critic — not just what it says but why it shows up and what it might be protecting,” says Gardenswartz. “From a psychodynamic perspective, this voice often develops early as a defense against chaos, shame, or rejection. If a child learns that being ‘perfect’ earns love or safety, the internal critic may continue trying to protect them in adulthood, even if the strategy no longer serves. Once we understand the origin of the pattern, clients can start to relate to it with compassion rather than hostility — and that’s when real change begins.”

Writing a “bad draft” has always been the go-to hack for writers trying to overcome their perfection, and it’s a great concept to use when working on projects of other kinds. Do a rough draft — a rough musical arrangement, a rough business plan, a rough sketch of a painting, a rough recipe if you want to start a culinary business. You don’t have to include tons of details; just get the overall idea down — a skeleton, if you will. Step away from it for a few days or weeks, and then come back to whatever you’re working on with fresh eyes and ears.

Completing something is the hardest and most important step if you want to put your work out there, and finishing a first draft gives you a feeling of accomplishment while decreasing the feeling of being overwhelmed that comes with tackling a large project. Completing this step also fills you with a sense of self-efficacy and confidence, a nice dopamine boost that will motivate you to continue.

And if you’re a beginner, mind the taste-to-skill gap, a concept popularized by writer Ira Glass, which reminds us that we will fall short of the work we admire when we first start out learning a new skill, but we have to press on regardless to get better at whatever craft we’re pursuing.

Embracing good enough friends, partners, and parents

If we have a loud inner critic pushing us to show up in the world as perfect beings, we often transfer the very same standard to those around us. This can have disastrous consequences for our personal and professional relationships because — surprise, surprise — no one is perfect. No matter how harmonious a relationship may be, eventually competing needs will arise, and communication and compromise will be needed to reconcile these differences successfully.

Gardenswartz has found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to be helpful tools for easing the expectations we’ve put on others.

“From a CBT standpoint, I often introduce ‘mental filtering’ logs to disrupt the brain’s tendency to overfocus on negatives. Clients who ruminate about flaws in their relationships or environments track small, positive moments each day — connection, humor, a task completed. The goal isn’t to sugarcoat but to widen perception,” she says.

Self-validation is also helpful when navigating the ups and downs of personal relationships.

“Another tool is thought-challenging: noticing harsh self-talk and actively reframing it,” says Gardenswartz. “For example: ‘I never get anything right’ becomes ‘This didn’t go the way I wanted, but that doesn’t define my whole capability.’ Self-validation skills are also especially powerful: Instead of lashing out at a partner or spiraling internally, we pause and name the real feeling underneath — ‘I feel overwhelmed’ or ‘I’m scared I’m not doing enough.’”

Gardenswartz emphasizes that it takes time to develop these skills, and that participating in group therapy helps develop them in real time.

“A member might share irritation toward someone else and — through the group’s feedback — realize that reaction has more to do with a fear of not being liked than with the other person’s behavior. Groups offer a live opportunity to recognize patterns, try new ways of relating, and practice self-reflection with support,” she says.

Being good enough on the job

Aiming for perfection on the job can backfire into burnout, leading to self-sabotage. Striving for perfection can also alienate you from others. If you stick around at a job for longer than a few weeks, you are most definitely going to make some kind of mistake or error — we are not machines, after all. When you have a good-enough mindset, you can be comfortable being honest about mistakes, which allows you to repair the situation, mitigating any serious fallout. Admitting errors automatically makes you a more trustworthy employee, and any manager worth the title understands that employees can never be perfect. They will likely appreciate honesty and subsequent problem-solving after a subordinate makes a mistake.

Being a good enough parent

As Winnicott emphasized: Parents don’t have to be perfect to avoid traumatizing their kids — they simply have to be good enough. Raising kids is one of the most challenging things you can do. Sometimes parents lose their cool. They get overwhelmed. They might snap. Sometimes they need alone time and quiet time to decompress. If their child suffers a momentary hurt feeling as a result, they won’t develop trauma as long as their parents show up as loving and nurturing caregivers most of the time (and as long as they aren’t raging, abusive, or cruelly dismissive). If they’re supportive and patient parents overall, chances are their child will grow up healthily attached with adaptive coping tools, strong emotional regulation, and a lower likelihood of actually suffering from perfectionism!

“Winnicott argued that children don’t need perfect caregivers — just caregivers who show up, make mistakes, and repair,” says Gardenswartz. “The same is true in adult life. A ‘good enough’ partner or job is one that’s responsive, safe, and real — not flawless. Perfection is brittle. Good enough allows for flexibility, trust, and long-term growth.”

Good enough lifestyle

We are inundated with messaging about how we can increase our health span and lifespan these days, with researchers, doctors, and health influencers emphasizing the importance of healthy eating and exercise. But research shows that multiple factors lead to healthy outcomes — it’s really about a combination of lifestyle habits, so no healthy habit needs to be adhered to perfectly. Setting the bar too high in any one area can create unreasonable expectations that lead to discouragement and giving up, along with a lack of life balance, which doesn’t improve health outcomes!

Healthy eating, exercise, avoiding alcohol and tobacco, and sleep hygiene are often the focal point of doctors’ admonitions, but research also shows that being socially active and being part of a community are just as critical if you want a healthy, long lifespan. Stress is a huge destroyer of physical health as well, so participating in hobbies you enjoy, traveling, and wandering out into nature are other ways to care for your health.

Rather than aiming to never eat sugar or white flour ever again! or sticking to a rigid sleep regime that has no room for fun nights out, just try to have good sleep more often than not, decrease stress when you can, exercise a few times a week or simply take daily walks, and eat healthy foods more regularly. Stay connected with others, do things that bring you joy, and stay out all night once in a while if you feel like it.

“Studies by UT Austin psychologist Kristin Neff find that a self-compassionate approach is a much more effective way to motivate behavior change,” says Santos. “Being more self-compassionate — rather than perfectionist and self-critical — can let you reduce procrastination and bounce back more quickly after setbacks.”

Embrace your shadow

In Psychology and Alchemy, Carl Jung famously wrote that “There is no light without shadow, and no psychic wholeness without imperfection. To round itself out, life calls not for perfection but for completeness.” A key concept of Jung’s theory of psychological wholeness involves the need to integrate one’s shadow — the negative character traits we all try to repress or refuse to acknowledge. Think things like jealousy, envy, schadenfreude, flakiness, callousness, and even insecurity and self-doubt. If our shadow is repressed or unintegrated, we can project these negative traits onto others, which harms our relationships. We can also refuse to admit wrongs out of a deep shame that without perfection, we aren’t worthy of either love or even existence itself. Once again, childhood trauma can result in this shame, and working with a therapist can help.

“In my work with clients, I often work from an attachment-based and relational lens,” says Gillis. “We explore the basis of these attachment wounds that lead to shame and self-blame, which often helps clients receive the self-awareness and validation they need to understand themselves better. We then explore the feelings that come up when they act in ‘imperfect’ ways, such as not meeting a deadline at work, saying no to a social commitment, or struggling with the stress of parenting. A lot of our work involves developing understanding and a greater ability to sit with the discomfort that comes up when they act in ‘imperfect’ ways, such as putting up boundaries. Since so much of perfectionism is a survivor’s attempt to avoid these uncomfortable feelings, developing an increased comfort with them as they come up can help decrease the perfectionism drive.”

Source: Shondaland

The Real-Life Dating Boot Camp That Inspired ‘Love on the Spectrum’

When U.C.L.A. psychologists first proposed teaching adults with autism how to date, funders wouldn’t go near it. Now we are in a new world.

Thirty-six hours after dropping his date off at her apartment, Bradley Goldman was on a video call with his dating coach, breaking down the events of the evening.

For one thing, he told the coach, he had chosen the wrong venue for someone on the autism spectrum — a bar of the Sunset Strip hipster variety, so loud and overstimulating that he could almost feel himself beginning to dissociate.

Mr. Goldman, a tall, rangy 42-year-old who works as an office manager, hadn’t decided in advance of the date whether to mention that he had been diagnosed with autism, or that he was working with a coach. So he deflected, and they found themselves, briefly, in a conversational blind alley.

“I struggle with how to disclose,” he said. “Do I say I am ‘neuro-spicy’? Or ‘neurodiverse’? Or do I disclose at all?”

His coach, Disa Jean-Pierre, was sympathetic. “You could just wait for it to come up naturally after a few dates,” she suggested.

Mr. Goldman thought this over. “I’m still figuring this out,” he said.

Nevertheless, it was a solidly enjoyable date, something he credited to the coaching he had received from a team of psychologists at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior at the University of California, Los Angeles.

He had avoided “info dumping” or making too many Jeffrey Dahmer jokes, and he had carefully observed his date’s body language to detect whether she was signaling openness to a good night kiss. (She was.)

“She was like, ‘I really want you to let me know you got home,’” he said. “So, that was that.”

Mr. Goldman’s results would be entered alongside those of 56 other human subjects on a spreadsheet marked “dating history updates,” part of a three-pronged randomized control trial. Over the coming months, researchers at U.C.L.A. will mine the data to identify which approach is most likely to help people with autism find love.

For mental health professionals to ask this question is new. Twenty years ago, when the U.C.L.A. psychologist Elizabeth A. Laugeson began developing the Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills, or PEERS, to teach social skills to people with autism, “nobody really wanted to touch” the subject of romance or dating, she said.

“This was the study that I could not get funding for,” Dr. Laugeson said. “Everyone was a little bit afraid of it.”

In the interim, the population with the diagnosis has swelled, including more people who live independently, work and attend college. It’s increasingly common for people to receive the diagnosis in adulthood as they seek help for challenges they face in daily life.

And attitudes have changed. It is difficult to disentangle cause and effect, but some of it has to do with “Love on the Spectrum,” the reality television show that follows adults with autism as they venture into the dating world. The show has turned out to be a surprise hit for Netflix, which has renewed it for a fourth season, and its charismatic stars have become celebrities and social media influencers.

Increasingly, Dr. Laugeson said, people understand that adults with autism may want romance and intimacy. The show “is kind of flipping the script on that, and allowing them to speak for themselves,” she said. “The struggles that autistic people are having in finding love are no different than a typically developing person.”

On a recent Thursday evening, the dating students arrived at the Semel Institute in jeans, board shorts, wraparound sunglasses and strappy sandals. One had competed in beauty pageants; another was packing for a trip to Europe. Many were settled in school or work. But they described dating as an area of particular struggle.

Jess, 29, an aspiring screenwriter who was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder four years ago, said a gap first opened up in high school, when her friends “started dating each other and everyone paired up.” She compared it to the moment in musical chairs when you find that you are the only one still standing.

“It was kind of like this big memo I never got,” said Jess, who asked to be identified by her middle name, for fear that revealing her diagnosis would damage her career.

The PEERS course had helped her analyze flirting behavior through the lens of social science. Lessons include “flirting with your eyes” — making eye contact and then looking away to gauge a partner’s receptiveness — and searching for signals that a conversational group is open to include new members.

Once she understood the purpose of each behavior, Jess said, it wasn’t difficult to imitate it.

“I add it to the list of things I need to be thinking about,” she said. “It’s all performing.”

Much of the coursework focuses on building comfort in conversation, or, as the coaches call it, trading information. A central skill is not panicking if there are extended silences. Hayley Ditter, 24, who had been on four dates since the course began, said this had proved valuable almost immediately.

“Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault because I’m kind of used to not knowing what to say next, but awkward silence — that can be just a normal part of conversation,” said Ms. Ditter, who graduated from U.C.L.A. in 2023 with degrees in anthropology and film studies.

Ms. Ditter had always done well in the classroom, but would miss, or misinterpret, the social signals that serve as guideposts to romance. Before signing up for the course, she had gone on a handful of first dates, but they never led to anything.

“I’ve never actually been on a second date,” she said.

Ms. Ditter said the coaching had also helped her identify “in real time” when someone was flirting with her, something she had in the past relied on her mother to spot. She has stockpiled a list of phrases — “I need to feed my dog,” for instance — that can facilitate a swift, graceful exit. She has posted a profile on Hinge and is gradually making her way through the 300 responses.

“Now I know the skills, and I’m ready to put them into action,” she said. “I hope to get my first boyfriend soon.”

A Crush on a Barista

Twenty years ago, research on the social relationships of people with autism painted a bleak picture. In 2004, a survey of teenagers and adults living at home found that 46 percent had no peer relationships at all outside prearranged settings; a 2012 meta-analysis found that only 14 percent of adults with autism were married or had a long-term intimate relationship.

But those trends are shifting, in part because a larger range of people are receiving the diagnosis. In 2023, when researchers at Boston University examined data from 220,000 U.S. college students, they found that 24 percent of students with autism were partnered, compared with 46 percent of nonautistic students.

Dr. Laugeson knew from her work with teenagers with autism that they were interested in relationships, but their efforts to express romantic feelings were frequently misinterpreted as stalking behavior.

Parents, she said, frequently told her the same story: Their teenager had developed a crush on a barista at Starbucks and parked there, offering “way too much eye contact” or “that big, wide, tooth-baring smile,” she said.

But when she sought funding for empirical research on dating, Dr. Laugeson found that her institutional backers — the ones who had enthusiastically underwritten trainings on friendship and career development — went quiet. Parents seemed nervous about the project, even if their children were adults. When she explored the reasons, she often heard “concerns about sexual safety, things like sexual assault,” she said.

Mark Stokes, an autism researcher at Deakin University in Melbourne, Australia, said he had run into similar roadblocks when he had sought funding for work on dating or sex.

Institutional review boards, which oversee research on human subjects, felt “there was a danger we would be talking about matters these people had never thought of, and it would distress them, because they would discover that they were being excluded and start to behave in inappropriate ways,” Dr. Stokes said.

He eventually gave up. “There’s just no point,” he added. “We don’t seek funding for it.”

In 2018, Dr. Laugeson got lucky. She was approached by Cara Gardenswartz, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles whose teenage son had benefited from PEERS trainings, and who offered her, for the first time, enough funding to design a full course on dating.

Around the same time, she heard from an Australian filmmaker, Cian O’Clery, whose documentary, “Employable Me,” had followed job seekers with a range of disabilities, including autism.

He was pitching something similar about dating to Australian public television, but, “for some reason,” he said, “it was this slightly taboo area.” PEERS was the only large organization he could find that addressed it. “They were definitely an inspiration in terms of seeing what could be done in terms of dating coaching,” he said.

Dr. Laugeson agreed to hold a one-day dating boot camp for “Love on the Spectrum” cast members in Sydney and became an informal consultant, helping Mr. O’Clery identify potential cast members when the show came to the United States.

But she had no idea, she said, that the show would be an “international sensation.” That only became clear years later, during the coronavirus pandemic, when Netflix subscribers discovered the show and — there is only one way to put it — fell in love.

‘Is It Too Late?’

As a movement builds around civil rights and equality for neurodiverse people, some advocates have criticized social skills training for encouraging people with autism to act as if they are not autistic, a practice sometimes described as masking.

“The social skills classes tell you what to do, but that’s like putting on a costume,” said Karen Lean, 48, an I.T. specialist who was diagnosed with autism in her 30s. For years, she studied and imitated these behaviors — “everyone expects you to do small talk, so you should do small talk” — and the effort, she said, left her exhausted and alienated.

Now, Ms. Lean works as an instructor for HEARTS, or Healthy Relationships on the Autism Spectrum, an online course that includes modules on issues like boundaries and breakups — but steers clear of social skills, which, she said, function mostly to put other people at ease.

“No amount of training or drilling those skills like eye contact is going to solve the problem of feeling anxious, sensorily overwhelmed, uncomfortable in your own body,” she said. “There are a whole bunch of things that can’t be solved by trying to inject into a person a list of things to do to make other people comfortable.”

The PEERS staff members, acutely aware of the discourse around masking, begin every lesson with a “neuroaffirming pledge” underlining the value of authenticity and emphasizing individual choice. They take care to avoid characterizing behaviors as good or bad, instead using language like “socially helpful” and “socially risky.”

The participants weren’t particularly worried about masking. “It’s teaching us how to thrive in the world we live in,” said Jess, who, in her 20s, was so intent on mastering social skills that she competed in (and won) beauty pageants.

“I’ve never had an issue with masking as a concept,” she said. “People will say, ‘I don’t want to mask, I want to be my authentic self,’ and my attitude is: Great, I’m going to mask, and I’m going to have a career.”

Coaches said that some participants in the dating course had arrived with such deep scars from social rejection that a small boost of confidence could be life-changing.

“It’s not always easy to get through the lessons, because there are experiences in our group that are painful,” Gabby Slater, the study’s coordinator, said. “I think there’s a lot of loneliness out there.”

Samara Wolpe, a postdoctoral fellow at the PEERS lab, recalled a participant — still in his early 20s — who approached her to ask, as she put it: “Am I already too far gone to be learning this? Am I already too far removed from society? Can I get back in there? Is it too late for me?”

She reassured him that it was not. He was skeptical. He lived with his parents. His clothes were disheveled, he said. His hair was shaggy. “Those are things that are fixable,” Ms. Wolpe told him. The following Thursday, he showed up with a fresh haircut, and news: He had matched with a woman on an app. And he had asked her out.

“He needed someone to tell him that this was possible for him,” Ms. Wolpe said.

Between half and three-quarters of the subjects have gone on dates during the training course, which ends on Thursday, Ms. Slater said. At a farewell gathering, coaches will name the participants “most likely to flirt with their eyes” and “most likely to be a good partner.”

They will all undergo a battery of psychological tests — among them the Test of Dating Skills, the Dating Anxiety Scale, and the Social and Emotional Loneliness Scale for Adults — at three points in time to measure how, if at all, the experience has changed them. The results will be published next year.

The participants’ ventures into the dating world are rarely as dramatic as those on reality television, Dr. Laugeson said, in part because they are taught to view rejection as a normal part of dating.

“This is something we all struggle with,” she said. “I’d love to date Bradley Cooper — that would be great. But I don’t get to date everyone, right? And everyone doesn’t get to date me.”

Mr. Goldman was debriefing with his dating coach, Ms. Jean-Pierre, chatting so easily that it was difficult to know which one of them was doing the coaching, when a text from the woman he had taken out to the Sunset Strip bar appeared on his phone.

“I did have a nice time but, full transparency, I’m not feeling a genuine connection I want to pursue,” she wrote.

Mr. Goldman decided to take a beat before he responded. He was excited about a trivia night in his neighborhood; he had likes backed up on Hinge.

He briefly examined his feelings and realized he didn’t care.

“I appreciate you letting me know,” he texted back.

Then he turned back to Ms. Jean-Pierre.

“You realize, well, sometimes it has nothing to do with you,” he said. “It was a fun night and, you know, I would do it all over again.”

Source: New York Times

Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance in Autism

Sophie, a 10-year-old, avoids straightforward tasks like getting dressed or doing homework. When her parents press her to comply, she might have a meltdown or withdraw to her room. At school, Sophie finds group activities difficult and sidesteps assignments by distracting herself or bargaining with her teachers.

Initially, her parents viewed this behavior as defiance, but a psychologist diagnosed Sophie with pathological demand avoidance (PDA). They learned that Sophie’s behavior stemmed from anxiety about losing control over her environment. Using strategies to reduce demands and give Sophie more control helped reduce her anxiety and improved her ability to manage daily tasks.

What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?

Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is a profile on the autism spectrum characterized by an overwhelming need to avoid everyday demands due to high anxiety levels. Unlike typical oppositional behavior, the avoidance in PDA is driven by anxiety rather than a desire to rebel. Individuals with PDA are hypersensitive to demands, even those they place on themselves, and they may engage in elaborate strategies to avoid them, such as distraction, negotiation, or outbursts.

PDA was first identified by Dr. Elizabeth Newson in the 1980s as a distinct profile of autism. According to her research, PDA’s key feature is an “obsessive resistance” to demands, which differs from the more rigid and repetitive behaviors typically associated with autism. While PDA is widely recognized in the UK, it is not yet universally accepted as a formal diagnosis, especially in other countries like the US. However, there is growing recognition that PDA represents a unique subset of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

Individuals with PDA often exhibit heightened social understanding, which they may use to manipulate or distract others in order to avoid demands. Research into PDA is ongoing, and experts are working to clarify its distinct features and how it fits within the broader autism spectrum.

How Can We Accommodate People With PDA?

Supporting individuals like Sophie involves reducing anxiety by modifying the way demands are presented. Creating an environment that feels safe and giving them a sense of control is key to reducing the extreme avoidance behaviors associated with PDA. Strategies may need to be adapted to each individual’s specific needs and sensitivities.

Flexibility in Demands

A key accommodation for individuals with PDA is reducing the intensity of demands. Offering choices instead of direct commands can help them feel more in control, which reduces anxiety.

For instance, instead of saying, “Do your homework now,” a teacher could ask, “Would you like to start your homework now or after lunch?” This gives the individual a sense of autonomy and reduces the pressure they feel.

Choice and Collaboration

Providing choices and involving the individual in decision-making helps them feel empowered, reducing their need to avoid tasks. A collaborative approach fosters a sense of control, which is crucial for people with PDA.

Sophie’s parents might ask, “Would you like to clean your desk first or put away your toys?” Offering choices allows her to engage with tasks in a way that feels manageable.

Lower Pressure Through Playful or Indirect Approaches

Turning tasks into a game or using humor can reduce the pressure of demands. By reframing tasks as playful challenges, individuals with PDA are less likely to feel overwhelmed.

Instead of directly asking Sophie to get dressed, her parents might say, “Let’s see how fast you can put on your socks!” This playful approach helps Sophie engage with the task in a way that feels less demanding.

Supportive Language

Rephrasing demands into questions or softer suggestions can reduce resistance. Supportive language, rather than direct commands, is more effective when working with someone with PDA.

For example, instead of saying, “Clean your room,” Sophie’s parents might say, “I wonder which part of your room would be a good place to start cleaning?”

Creating a Calm and Safe Environment

A predictable, low-stress environment helps reduce anxiety for individuals with PDA. Having a quiet space where they can retreat when feeling overwhelmed is important.

Sophie’s school provides a quiet corner in the classroom where she can go if she feels anxious, allowing her to calm down and return to tasks when ready.

School Accommodations

Schools can support students with PDA by offering flexible learning plans and reducing direct demands. Providing extra time, one-on-one support, and a calm environment can help students feel more comfortable and engaged.

Sophie’s teacher gives her extra time to complete assignments and offers one-on-one support when she feels overwhelmed. These adjustments reduce the pressure Sophie feels in the classroom.

Respect Emotional Boundaries

When individuals with PDA feel overwhelmed, respecting their emotional state and giving them space is essential. Pushing too hard can increase anxiety and lead to a meltdown.

If Sophie refuses to do a task, her parents can give her time to calm down and revisit the task later with a more flexible approach. This respect for emotional boundaries helps avoid conflict.

Encourage Autonomy

Providing opportunities for independence and decision-making allows individuals with PDA to feel in control, reducing the need for avoidance. Autonomy helps reduce anxiety and fosters confidence.

Sophie’s parents let her choose her clothes each morning, giving her control over a task that might otherwise feel overwhelming.

Educate Others

Educating teachers, peers, and family members about PDA can reduce misunderstandings and foster a more supportive environment. Understanding that behaviors stem from anxiety, not defiance, can help create compassion in those around the individual.

Sophie’s school provided training on PDA, helping staff understand her unique challenges and offering strategies to support her in the classroom.

Conclusion

Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism that presents unique challenges, but with the right accommodations, individuals with PDA can thrive. Flexibility, choice, and reducing pressure are critical strategies for helping individuals like Sophie manage their anxiety and engage with everyday tasks. Recognizing that PDA behaviors are driven by anxiety, not defiance, allows us to create supportive environments where individuals feel empowered to navigate the world in a way that feels safe and manageable.

Source: Psychology Today

What It’s Like To Help Patients Through Wildfire Trauma While Evacuating

It was last Tuesday, around 11 in the morning, when I got the first emergency alert about evacuating. I was with a patient. She got the alert at the same time. I had to stay calm for her while also trying to problem-solve for myself—I live and work near the site of the Palisades fire—and figure out how I would finish the workday. That afternoon, I was supposed to have in-person sessions with patients, but I changed them to Zoom.

As the afternoon went on, it became clear that the Palisades fire was expanding. I finished my sessions for the day and made the judgment call to evacuate. I was on the border of the area designated as mandatory evacuation, but several years ago, I had to evacuate for the Skirball fire at 3 a.m., so I decided to leave that night instead of waiting it out. My go-bag, which is a suitcase filled with important items needed in case of an evacuation, had the basics: clothes for a few days, toiletries, medication, cash, passport, and legal documents. Luckily, I had already digitized my photo albums in case we had another fire. I went to a friend’s house in West Hollywood, but she couldn’t take my dog, so I had to find another friend who could. I ended up staying at my friends’ place for five nights before returning home.

Almost immediately after I got the evacuation alert, I started getting calls from patients. In the days that followed, some lost their homes, some had evacuated but were terrified the fire was going to reach their homes, one couple was at odds over how to handle their evacuation, and one patient was having tremendous survivor’s guilt because their home was the only one still standing on their block. Overall, my patients haven’t been upset about the material things. But they feel like their lives will never be what they were. Some are wondering if they should leave Los Angeles forever. It’s a lot of loss, a lot of grief.

For the most part, I’m there to listen and be empathetic. The most helpful thing I can do is bear witness to their struggle. “It’s okay to feel scared and to grieve,” I tell them. “Everyone is feeling a huge loss of control. You’re doing all the right things. Let’s focus on what you can control right now.”

A lot of them ask, “What about you?” I have told them that I evacuated from my home and am safe, but then I turn it back to them because their session is not about me. But it’s bizarre. As a therapist, you’re usually the expert. But it’s hard to feel like the expert when you’re also in the trenches. And I’m not a fire expert, right? So I’ve had to drop that idea, putting it aside so I can create a safe space for my patients to process and feel their feelings, because that’s the best thing they can do right now: talk about it instead of bottling it up.

As all of this is happening, I’m getting inundated with texts from friends wanting to know how I am. While I’m grateful for the outpouring of care, I haven’t had the time or energy to respond to them individually. I started cutting and pasting the same reply: “Evacuated and hanging in there. Thanks for checking.” I posted a blog on my website about what to say to people affected by the wildfires, and it was born from feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to keep updating everyone. I suggested saying things like, “You don’t need to write back, but I’m thinking about you, and if you need me, I’m here.” You can also offer something useful and specific, saying something like, “Hey, can I take your pets?” or offer to help them with the insurance forms by making phone calls or anything to assist them with that.

My own well-being is important too. If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t show up for my patients. I’m normally not a bath person, but since returning home after evacuating, I’ve been taking baths every night. I turn off my phone and zone out for an hour. My Pilates studio was shut down, so I went on YouTube and found a mat Pilates workout that I’ve been doing just to move my body. I’ve also reached out to colleagues of mine—other therapists who are going through this—and we lean on each other. A friend of mine is a therapist in New York, and she’s said to me, “I want you to have a place to vent, so tell me everything that’s making you crazy.” She’s given me permission to unload because she knows I’m holding it in all day while I focus on everyone else. That’s been really, really helpful.

Right now, the fire containments and evacuation orders are very day-to-day. I’m back to seeing patients in person, but it’s only a few. Many others fled L.A. and aren’t close enough. And the winds are predicted to return. The most exhausting part is that being in crisis mode has been never-ending. It’s been days and days of fight-or-flight.

Rebuilding neighborhoods and recovering emotionally isn’t going to be solved in three or six months. It’s going to take years, and there’s going to be a lot of PTSD and trauma therapy.

In a way, though, L.A. feels like a small town for the first time in the 29 years since I’ve lived here. There’s a lot of coming together as a community. There are a lot of resources out there. My colleagues and I are offering free support groups so people can share either in physical or virtual spaces. There’s going to be an ongoing need for support, because even though the fires will eventually be gone, people are going to be displaced for a long, long time, and they’re going to need help.

Being a psychologist right now has been a paradox. You’re expected to be the calm in the storm, but you’re also living it. It’s messy and human and it teaches you to practice what you preach in the most profound way.

Source: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a63446565/palisades-fire-wildfire-los-angeles-therapist-essay/

Navigating Life Transitions: Turning Change Into Opportunity

Life has a way of throwing curveballs when we least expect them, leaving us scrambling to find our footing in the midst of chaos.

Change is the one constant we can count on in life. Whether it’s the excitement of starting a new job, the stress of moving to a new city, or the heartache of a relationship ending, life transitions can turn our world upside down. Yet, how often do we feel completely unprepared for these moments? That sudden jolt out of routine can leave us feeling anxious, lost, or overwhelmed. But what if we viewed these transitions not as disruptions but as opportunities for significant personal growth? What if the very moments that challenged us most were the ones that helped us grow?

Navigating life transitions requires more than endurance; it demands understanding, resilience, and the right strategies to manage the inevitable ups and downs. We can transform these changes into powerful personal growth experiences by learning how to approach them with a healthy mindset. Resilience, in particular, plays a key role in this journey, empowering us to not just bounce back, but to bounce forward, stronger and more capable than before.

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Change

It’s natural to feel a mix of emotions during significant life changes. The emotional impact can be profound whether the change is expected or sudden, positive or negative. People often experience a whirlwind of anxiety, excitement, sadness, or confusion, depending on the nature of the transition.

For example, moving to a new city might come with the thrill of exploring unknown places and meeting new people, but it can also bring loneliness and uncertainty. Similarly, a career shift might offer a sense of renewal, but can also leave us questioning our competence or direction.

Acknowledging these emotions is the first and most crucial step in navigating life transitions. Rather than resisting or denying them, allowing space for emotional processing is not just important, it’s essential. Bottling up feelings of anxiety or sadness can lead to burnout or more prolonged emotional distress. Accepting emotions as part of the process helps us understand how we truly feel, allowing us to take proactive steps toward our new reality.

Building Resilience Through Transitions

Resilience is often defined as the ability to bounce back from adversity. But resilience isn’t just about bouncing back; it’s about bouncing forward. Life transitions from external forces or internal choices offer a unique opportunity to build resilience.

No matter how difficult, every change comes with the chance to develop skills like adaptability, problem-solving, and self-awareness. The most resilient people aren’t those who avoid hardship but those who face it head-on, viewing obstacles as learning experiences. To foster resilience:

• Embrace the Unknown: One of the most challenging aspects of life transitions is dealing with uncertainty. By reframing uncertainty as a space for new possibilities rather than fear, we can open ourselves to growth.
• Maintain Perspective: Getting caught up in the moment and losing sight of the bigger picture during a life transition is easy. Taking a step back and reminding yourself of your long-term goals and values can help you stay grounded.
• Cultivate Self-Compassion: Being kind to yourself during change is essential. Often, we put undue pressure on ourselves to adapt quickly. Acknowledging that it’s OK to struggle—and to seek support—can ease the transition.

Creating Strategies for Managing Transitions

Successfully navigating life transitions involves developing strategies for reflection, growth, and emotional well-being. Here are some key strategies to help manage life’s inevitable changes:

1. Set Realistic Expectations. Change takes time. Whether adjusting to a new job or moving through grief after a breakup, setting realistic expectations for yourself is important. Understand that it’s OK not to have everything figured out immediately. Permit yourself to take things one step at a time.
2. Find Your Support System. Change can feel isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist to share your feelings and gain perspective. Having someone listen, offer guidance, or sit with you in discomfort can make the process more bearable.
3. Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is a powerful tool during life transitions. Staying present and grounded, even when it feels like your world is in flux, helps to manage overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness exercises, like meditation or deep breathing, can help reduce stress and promote clarity during confusing times.
4. Stay Open to Learning. Life transitions can teach important lessons about ourselves. Whether it’s patience, flexibility, or discovering new strengths, staying open to learning throughout the process ensures that the transition becomes a time of growth rather than stagnation.
5. Take Care of Your Body. Physical well-being is often neglected during emotional upheaval. Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and sleep are vital in managing stress. When we care for our bodies, we equip ourselves with the physical and mental energy needed to face challenges head-on.

Turning Change Into Opportunity

Life transitions aren’t just about getting through to the other side; they’re about who we become. When we shift our mindset from viewing change as a threat to seeing it as an opportunity, we unlock potential we might not have realized existed.

Think back to a time when you experienced significant change. Did it lead to a new relationship, job, or perspective? Often, the most challenging transitions are the ones that push us toward greater fulfillment and success. By embracing change, we allow ourselves to be open to new opportunities, ideas, and experiences that can enrich our lives in unexpected ways.

While change can be daunting, it also offers the possibility for growth and transformation. Navigating life transitions with resilience, a healthy mindset, and practical strategies can turn even the most overwhelming changes into opportunities for personal development. Instead of fearing change, we can learn to embrace it, knowing that each transition is another chapter in our evolving story. After all, in moments of uncertainty, we often discover our true strength.

References

• Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer Publishing.
• Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59(1), 20-28.
• Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
• Brown, K. W., & Ryan, R. M. (2003). The benefits of being present: Mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(4), 822-848.
• Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.

Revolutionizing Mental Health: Psychedelics and TMS

The landscape of mental health treatment is undergoing a significant transformation, driven by groundbreaking research and novel therapeutic interventions. From the revolutionary potential of psychedelic-assisted therapy to the rise of noninvasive treatments like transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), these advancements are poised to change how we approach psychological conditions.

Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy: A New Frontier in Mental Health

As our understanding of mental health deepens, psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) is gaining traction as a revolutionary approach to treatment. This innovative therapy combines the use of psychedelic drugs with structured psychotherapy to address mental health disorders. Substances like MDMA, ketamine, LSD, cannabis, and psilocybin (often referred to as “magic mushrooms”) are showing promise in treating conditions such as PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

The Historical Context and Resurgence of Psychedelics

Psychedelic substances have a long history of use in various cultural and spiritual contexts, dating back thousands of years. Indigenous peoples across the Americas, Africa, and Asia have utilized these substances for ceremonial and healing purposes. However, the Western world’s relationship with psychedelics took a dramatic turn in the mid-20th century.

During the 1950s and 1960s, psychedelics like LSD and psilocybin were subjects of significant scientific research, with promising results in treating mental health conditions. However, the cultural and political backlash against the countercultural movement led to the criminalization of these substances and a subsequent halt in research. This “psychedelic dark age” persisted for decades, stalling progress until the early 2000s, when a new wave of studies began to explore the therapeutic potential of these drugs under strict clinical conditions.

The resurgence of interest in psychedelics is fueled by a growing body of evidence supporting their safety and efficacy when administered in controlled environments. The modern approach to psychedelic therapy is vastly different from the unregulated use that characterized the 1960s. Today, clinical trials are meticulously designed, with rigorous protocols to ensure patient safety and maximize therapeutic benefits.

The Promise and Risks of Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy

While the potential of PAT is compelling, it is essential to recognize and mitigate the associated risks:

• Psychological Risks: Patients may experience “bad trips,” characterized by extreme fear, paranoia, or emotional overload. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology noted that while most participants in psychedelic therapy report positive experiences, about 7.6 percent of users had severe psychological distress during their sessions. Psychedelics can also trigger psychotic episodes in predisposed individuals and may bring repressed memories to the surface, causing acute emotional distress.
• Physiological Risks: Psychedelics like MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin are known to increase heart rate and blood pressure, posing risks for individuals with cardiovascular conditions. A clinical review published in The Lancet Psychiatry highlighted the importance of medical screening to minimize these risks during PAT sessions. Drug interactions, particularly with SSRIs, can lead to dangerous side effects.
• Potential for Abuse and Ethical Concerns: The euphoric states induced by psychedelics carry a high potential for abuse if not strictly monitored in a clinical setting. Ethical concerns also arise around dependency, informed consent, and careful patient monitoring. Ethical frameworks for psychedelic therapy, as discussed in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, emphasize the need for clear guidelines to manage these risks.

Despite these risks, the controlled environment of clinical trials, along with the presence of trained therapists, significantly reduces the likelihood of adverse outcomes. The therapeutic potential of psychedelics is being unlocked in a way that is both scientifically rigorous and ethically sound, paving the way for their integration into mainstream mental health care.

The Future of Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy

Research into psychedelic-assisted therapy is yielding exciting results, particularly in areas where traditional treatments have failed:

• PTSD: Both ketamine-assisted and MDMA-assisted therapies have shown prolonged symptom reduction in PTSD patients. A study published in The Journal of Psychopharmacology reported that 67 percent of patients treated with MDMA-assisted therapy no longer met the criteria for PTSD one year after treatment. MDMA, in particular, reduces activity in the amygdala (the brain’s “fear center”) and enhances empathy, trust, and openness, making it especially beneficial for PTSD treatment.
• Depression and Anxiety: Psilocybin and ketamine-assisted therapies have shown significant promise in treating treatment-resistant depression and anxiety, especially when traditional medications and cognitive therapy have failed. A 2021 study in JAMA Psychiatry found that 71 percent of participants experienced significant reductions in depression symptoms after a single psilocybin session. The profound effects of these therapies are believed to stem from their ability to promote neural plasticity, allowing patients to break free from entrenched patterns of negative thinking and behavior.
• Substance Use Disorders: Early clinical trials suggest that psychedelics like psilocybin may help individuals overcome addiction by reducing cravings and enhancing psychological flexibility. Research published in The Journal of Psychopharmacology found that psilocybin-assisted therapy led to significant reductions in alcohol misuse among participants with alcohol dependence. The potential for psychedelics to treat a range of addictions, including alcohol, nicotine, and opioids, is one of the most promising avenues of current research.

The integration of psychedelic-assisted therapy into mainstream mental health care is not without its challenges. Regulatory hurdles, public perception, and the need for widespread education about the safe and effective use of these therapies are significant barriers that must be overcome. However, the progress made in recent years suggests that psychedelics could become a cornerstone of mental health treatment in the not-too-distant future.

The Rise of Noninvasive Treatments: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)

Complementing these innovations is the emergence of noninvasive treatments like transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), which offers new hope for individuals with treatment-resistant depression.

How TMS Works and Its Impact on Depression

TMS is a brain stimulation technique that targets central nervous system activity through magnetic fields, inducing electrical currents that can normalize brain activity and shift mood and cognition. Recently, the FDA approved accelerated TMS, also known as the Stanford neuromodulation therapy (SNT) protocol, for depression. This protocol involves five days of treatment with 10 daily sessions, offering rapid relief for those with severe depression. A study published in The American Journal of Psychiatry showed that 80 percent of patients with severe depression experienced significant symptom relief after undergoing the SNT protocol.

Expanding the Use of TMS Beyond Depression

While TMS is primarily known for its efficacy in treating major depressive disorder, research is expanding its application to other mental health conditions. Studies are currently exploring the use of TMS in treating conditions such as anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The versatility of TMS lies in its ability to target specific brain regions, allowing for tailored treatments that address the unique neural patterns associated with different conditions.

One promising area of research is the use of TMS in combination with other therapeutic modalities, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Preliminary studies suggest that combining TMS with CBT can enhance the efficacy of both treatments, leading to more durable and comprehensive outcomes for patients. This multimodal approach represents a new frontier in mental health care, where personalized treatment plans can be developed based on an individual’s specific needs and neurological profile.

Conclusion: The Future of Mental Health Is Here

The intersection of cutting-edge research and practical application in psychology leads us into an exciting new era. Through innovative therapies like psychedelic-assisted therapy and noninvasive treatments such as TMS, the future of mental health care is becoming more personalized and effective.

Rapid advancements in mental health treatments hold great promise for addressing some of the most challenging conditions facing individuals. As research continues to evolve, the hope is that these therapies will become more widely accessible, providing relief to those who have struggled with mental illness for years.

Childhood Trauma Shapes an Under- or Over-Active Inner World

By Nancy Sweeney, CLC & Dr. Cara Gardenswartz at GroupTherapyLA

Childhood trauma is an intricate experience that deeply imprints on our psyche, influencing both our internal and external engagements. Its effects often persist into adulthood, manifesting in varied ways. Trauma can drive two seemingly opposite coping strategies: an over-focus on the external world or a retreat into an enriched inner life. These patterns, while distinct, share a common root in childhood trauma.

The External Focus: Hypervigilance as a Survival Mechanism

For some, childhood trauma results in an intense focus on the external environment, with constant scanning for threats and attempts to control their surroundings. This hypervigilance is a survival mechanism developed in response to an unpredictable or dangerous environment.

Recent research has further elucidated this connection. A 2023 study published in Nature Neuroscience has highlighted how childhood trauma influences the long-term development of the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for decision-making and emotional regulation. The study found that individuals with a history of childhood trauma show altered connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, leading to heightened states of hypervigilance even in non-threatening situations. This neural adaptation, while protective during childhood, can contribute to chronic stress and burnout in adulthood.

The Internal Retreat: Escaping to a Safe Haven

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some individuals respond to childhood trauma by retreating inward, creating a vivid and imaginative inner world as a refuge from external pain. While this internal retreat can offer safety, it may also foster difficulties in engaging with reality.

A groundbreaking study in Psychological Science (2022) found that individuals who endured severe childhood trauma were more likely to develop dissociative tendencies, including the creation of elaborate inner worlds. This research emphasized that these coping mechanisms, while initially protective, can lead to challenges in social interactions and increased feelings of loneliness.

The Neuroscience of Trauma Responses

The patterns of hypervigilance and internal retreat are rooted in how the brain processes trauma. Childhood trauma often induces changes in brain structures such as the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. A recent meta-analysis published in Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2023) synthesized data from over 50 studies, concluding that trauma-related alterations in these brain regions contribute to ongoing difficulties in emotional regulation and stress response. These findings underscore that behaviors stemming from trauma are not personal failings but rather survival strategies.

Healing and Moving Forward: The Role of Therapeutic Interventions

The process of healing from childhood trauma involves recognizing and understanding these patterns. Recent research supports the effectiveness of various therapeutic approaches in this regard. For example, a 2022 randomized controlled trial published in The Journal of Clinical Psychology demonstrated that Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) significantly reduces symptoms of PTSD and hypervigilance in individuals with a history of childhood trauma. Similarly, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) continues to be supported by a 2021 American Psychological Association review as an effective method for addressing maladaptive thought patterns stemming from trauma.

Practical Takeaways: Recent Insights

• Mindful Self-Reflection: Mindfulness practices continue to show promise in trauma recovery. A 2023 study in Mindfulness revealed that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is particularly effective in reducing symptoms of anxiety and PTSD in trauma survivors.
• Gradual Exposure to Vulnerability: Exposure-based therapies have shown significant efficacy in recent research. A 2022 article in Behavioral Therapy highlighted the role of graduated exposure in decreasing hypervigilance and improving emotional engagement among trauma survivors.
• Balancing Inner and Outer Worlds: Integrating both introspective activities and external engagements into daily routines has been supported by research in The Journal of Positive Psychology (2023), which found that such a balance promotes greater psychological resilience.

The Role of Social Support: Emerging Perspectives

Social support remains crucial in trauma recovery. A 2023 longitudinal study published in Social Science & Medicine emphasized that strong social networks enhance resilience and facilitate recovery in trauma survivors. The study also found that individuals with supportive relationships were less likely to develop severe dissociative tendencies and more likely to engage in healthy coping mechanisms.

Embracing Complexity and Individuality

It is vital to recognize that trauma manifests differently for everyone. Recent research has highlighted the importance of personalized therapeutic approaches that consider the unique experiences and coping strategies of each individual. A 2023 review in Clinical Psychology Review suggested that interventions tailored to the specific trauma responses of individuals lead to more effective and lasting healing outcomes.

Incorporating these recent studies provides a deeper understanding of how childhood trauma shapes the inner and outer worlds, offering more evidence-based approaches to healing.

References

• JAMA Psychiatry (2020). Heightened Amygdala Responses in Individuals with Childhood Trauma. Link to the study.
• Frontiers in Psychology (2019). The Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Dissociative Tendencies.
• Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2022). Meta-Analysis of Trauma-Induced Changes in Emotional Regulation and Stress Response. Link to the study.
• Nature Neuroscience (2023). Long-term Development of Prefrontal Cortex in Response to Childhood Trauma. Link to the study.
• Psychological Science (2022). Severe Childhood Trauma and Dissociative Tendencies. Link to the study.
• The Journal of Clinical Psychology (2022). Efficacy of EMDR in Reducing PTSD Symptoms in Trauma Survivors. Link to the study.
• American Psychological Association (2021). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Trauma-Related Maladaptive Thought Patterns. Link to the study.
• Mindfulness (2023). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Reducing Anxiety and PTSD Symptoms. Link to the study.
• Behavioral Therapy (2022). Effectiveness of Exposure-Based Therapies in Decreasing Hypervigilance. Link to the study.
• The Journal of Positive Psychology (2023). Balancing Inner and Outer Worlds for Psychological Resilience. Link to the study.
• Social Science & Medicine (2023). The Role of Social Support in Enhancing Resilience in Trauma Survivors. Link to the study.
• Clinical Psychology Review (2023). Personalized Therapeutic Approaches for Trauma Recovery. Link to the study.

Reaching Out to a Friend Who Is Depressed

Written by Nancy Sweeney, CLC, and Cara Gardenswartz PhD at GroupTherapyLA.

Watching someone you care about slip away into the shadows of depression is a painful, helpless experience. You want to reach out, to say something—anything—that might help. But when your efforts are met with silence, it’s natural to wonder, “Am I doing more harm than good?”

The Disappearing Act: Recognizing the Signs

Picture this: your best friend, once the life of every gathering, suddenly becomes distant. The weekly coffee dates are canceled, the shared laughs replaced by an eerie silence. You send a text: “Miss you. Hope you’re OK.” But hours stretch into days with no reply. Your concern deepens—what’s really going on?

This isn’t just about your friend being “busy” or in a temporary “funk.” Depression can sneak in quietly, like a thief in the night, stealing away the joy and energy that once defined your friend’s personality. The American Psychological Association describes depression as a condition that often leads to withdrawal and isolation, making even the simplest social interactions feel overwhelming. This isolation can leave even the closest of friends feeling shut out and unsure how to help.

The Pitfall of the Well-Meaning Text

Your first instinct might be to send a message like, “I’m here if you need to talk.” While this is a kind and supportive gesture, it can sometimes feel like pressure to someone dealing with depression. Research published in Clinical Psychology Review highlights that many individuals with depression struggle with feelings of shame and self-stigma, which can make them avoid discussions about their mental health.

Dr. Jonathan Rottenberg, an expert on mood disorders, explains that those with depression often pull away from social interactions not because they don’t care, but because they are protecting themselves—from perceived judgment, from vulnerability, and from the fear of being seen as “less than” by those they love. When you offer to “talk,” your friend might interpret it as an expectation to confront something they’re not ready to face, which could lead them to withdraw even further.

A New Way to Reach Out: The Power of Fun and Connection

So, what can you do? Instead of focusing on their depression, try reconnecting with the essence of your friendship—the fun, the joy, the light-hearted moments that have always bonded you. Reach out with something casual, something that cuts through the darkness without even trying.

You might send a text like, “You have to see this hilarious cat video—it’s totally you!” or “Quick question: Is pizza for breakfast socially acceptable?” You’re not asking them to confront their demons; you’re offering a momentary escape, a reminder of the person they are beyond their struggle.

Research in Psychological Science suggests that positive social interactions can lift spirits and reduce feelings of isolation. By keeping your messages light and fun, you’re reminding your friend that they are more than their current difficulties—they’re still the person you’ve shared countless good times with.

The Power of Consistent, Non-Pressured Contact

Consistency is key. Depression is a long, often exhausting journey, and supporting someone through it requires patience. Dr. Edward Watkins, who specializes in treating depression, recommends small, manageable interactions that provide a sense of normalcy without overwhelming the person. This doesn’t mean bombarding your friend with messages, but rather being a steady, reliable presence in their life.

Maybe today it’s a meme, tomorrow it’s a song, and next week it’s a simple “Thinking of you.” These small gestures say, “I’m here, I care, and our friendship is more than just this tough time.” You’re not trying to fix them; you’re reminding them that they’re not alone—that somewhere outside the fog of depression, there’s someone who loves and misses them, waiting for the day they feel ready to reconnect.

Conclusion: Friendship Beyond Depression

Supporting a friend with depression isn’t about grand gestures or deep conversations. Sometimes, it’s about sending that silly text, sharing a laugh, and letting them know that, no matter what, they’re still the friend you’ve always known and loved. By focusing on connection rather than correction, you’re offering them something far more powerful: the reassurance that your friendship is a safe haven, no matter how stormy life gets.

References

• American Psychological Association. (2021). Understanding depression. Retrieved from APA website.
• Corrigan, P. W., & Watson, A. C. (2002). The paradox of self-stigma and mental illness. Clinical Psychology Review, 22(7), 1133-1150.
• Rottenberg, J. (2014). The Depths: The Evolutionary Origins of the Depression Epidemic. Basic Books.
• Lyubomirsky, S., King, L., & Diener, E. (2005). The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success? Psychological Science, 6(2), 366-375.
• Watkins, E. (2008). Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163-206

Expectations: Are We Asking Too Much of Others?

Written by Nancy Sweeney, CLC & Dr Cara Gardenswartz

We all begin life as infants, unable to walk, talk, feed, or clothe ourselves. Fortunately, no one expects a newborn to contribute to household bills or engage in meaningful conversation. As we grow, however, those around us gradually introduce responsibilities like cleaning our rooms, helping with dinner, and managing our behavior. As adults, societal and personal expectations can become even more complex and demanding. But what happens when these expectations don’t align with a person’s abilities or circumstances?

The Development of Expectations

Expectations are a fundamental part of human interactions and relationships. From professional settings to personal relationships, understanding how expectations develop and evolve can help us navigate our interactions more effectively. Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development teaches us that human development occurs in stages. However, it’s essential to remember that these stages do not occur uniformly for everyone. Adults, too, have varied abilities and developmental trajectories that require consideration.

The Disparity in Abilities

Not everyone is born with the same innate skills and abilities. From genetics to upbringing, numerous factors contribute to the diversity in human capacities. Howard Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences emphasizes that intelligence is not a single entity but a collection of different modalities, such as linguistic, logical-mathematical, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, interpersonal, and intrapersonal intelligences. These differences underscore why some individuals excel in certain tasks while finding others challenging.

In a professional context, asking an employee with strong interpersonal skills but limited technical expertise to handle a highly technical task without support can lead to frustration and reduced performance. Recognizing and valuing diverse intelligences can help create environments where individuals thrive by playing to their strengths.

Expectations in Personal Relationships

Expectations aren’t limited to the workplace; they also play a significant role in personal relationships. In friendships and romantic partnerships, we often expect others to meet our needs or behave in certain ways that align with our desires. However, when these expectations don’t match the other person’s capabilities or personality, it can lead to misunderstandings and tension.

For instance, you might expect a friend to provide emotional support during a difficult time, but if they naturally struggle with expressing empathy, they may not meet your expectations. Similarly, asking a spouse to handle social situations when they are introverted and anxious can create stress for both parties.

Recognizing the individuality of each person in your life and understanding that everyone has different strengths and limitations is crucial. By setting realistic expectations based on who people are, rather than who we want them to be, we can build stronger, more supportive relationships.

The Impact of Misaligned Expectations

Expecting someone to perform a task they’re not equipped to do is like asking a baby to run a marathon. When expectations exceed an individual’s capabilities, it can lead to stress, anxiety, and even mental health issues. Social psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on mindset highlights how fixed expectations can hinder personal growth and development, while a growth mindset encourages learning and resilience. Encouraging a growth mindset involves recognizing individuals’ current capabilities and providing opportunities for development, rather than expecting immediate proficiency.

Identifying Unrealistic Expectations

So how do we identify when our expectations are unrealistic? Here are some strategies:

1. Understand Individual Differences

Recognize that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledge these differences and adjust expectations accordingly. For instance, in a family setting, consider each member’s preferences and skills when assigning tasks.

2. Assess Skills and Abilities

Before asking someone to take on a task, assess whether they have the necessary skills or require further training and support. Providing opportunities for skill development can empower individuals to meet expectations more effectively.

3. Foster Open Communication

Encourage open dialogue about capabilities and limitations. Creating a safe space for individuals to express their challenges can lead to more realistic and achievable expectations. In personal relationships, this might involve discussing each other’s comfort zones and boundaries.

4. Emphasize Strengths

Focus on leveraging strengths rather than dwelling on weaknesses. By emphasizing what individuals can do well, we foster a more positive and supportive environment.

5. Teach Adaptive Expectation Setting

Adjusting our expectations requires a shift in mindset. Here are some steps to help you evaluate and align expectations with reality:

• Reflect on Your Assumptions: Consider the assumptions you make about others’ abilities. Are they based on evidence or stereotypes? Challenge your assumptions and remain open to alternative perspectives.
• Set Realistic Goals: Establish goals that are challenging yet attainable. Consider the individual’s current skills and provide incremental steps for growth.
• Provide Support and Resources: Offer the necessary support and resources for individuals to succeed. Whether it’s training, mentorship, or emotional support, providing the right tools can make a significant difference.
• ​​​​​​​Practice Empathy: Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others. By putting ourselves in others’ shoes, we can better appreciate their struggles and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Conclusion

In a world filled with diverse talents and abilities, it is crucial to acknowledge and respect individual differences. By setting realistic expectations and providing the necessary support, we can create an environment where everyone has the opportunity to thrive. Remember, it’s not about lowering expectations but rather aligning them with the unique capacities of each individual. Just as we wouldn’t judge a baby for not walking, we should approach others with the same understanding and compassion. By doing so, we foster a society that values and nurtures the potential of every individual, paving the way for a more inclusive and supportive world.

Emotional Intimacy: The Key to a Resilient and Fulfilling Relationship

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of a deep, fulfilling connection between partners. This essential component of a strong relationship not only enhances the bonds between couples but also significantly contributes to their overall well-being. Strengthening emotional closeness can lead to increased happiness, trust, and resilience within the relationship, making it a crucial aspect of long-term relational satisfaction.

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the bond that forms through deep feelings of connection, understanding, and vulnerability between partners. It involves the ability to open up, give and receive affection, and share a mutual understanding of each other’s needs, desires, and emotions.

Recent research underscores the importance of emotional intimacy in relationships, revealing that couples with high levels of emotional closeness experience greater partner satisfaction, improved communication, and reduced conflict (Laurenceau et al., 2005). Conversely, relationships lacking in emotional intimacy are more likely to face issues such as increased partner conflict, diminished sexual desire, and feelings of loneliness or disconnection (Sandberg et al., 2013).

Ways to Improve Emotional Intimacy

Building emotional intimacy requires time, effort, and intentional practice. However, the benefits of fostering this connection are well worth the investment, often leading to stronger, healthier relationships. Here are some strategies to enhance emotional intimacy:

1. Open Communication of Feelings: Sharing feelings can be challenging, especially for those who are not accustomed to emotional vulnerability. However, openly expressing emotions reduces misunderstandings and builds a sense of trust with your partner. Research has shown that couples who regularly engage in open and honest communication are more likely to experience higher relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
2. Be “In the Moment” During Quality Time Together: Engaging in activities together without distractions, such as putting away phones during conversations, can foster emotional closeness. Active listening, where you fully engage with your partner’s thoughts and feelings, is a key aspect of emotional intimacy. Studies indicate that partners who are more mindful and present during interactions report higher levels of emotional connection and satisfaction (Karremans et al., 2017).
3. Show Affection Physically and Verbally: Physical touch, including hugs, kisses, and cuddling, along with verbal affirmations, play a significant role in strengthening emotional bonds. The release of oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” during these interactions enhances both physical and emotional closeness. Research has found that couples who engage in regular affectionate behavior report stronger emotional bonds and greater relationship satisfaction (Floyd et al., 2009).
4. Prioritize Time Together: Balancing the demands of work, children, and other responsibilities can make it difficult to find time for your partner. However, prioritizing quality time together, such as planning regular date nights or engaging in shared hobbies, can rekindle emotional intimacy. Novel experiences together can also introduce excitement and help couples reconnect (Aron et al., 2000).
5. End the Day with Gratitude: Concluding the day by sharing your highs and lows and expressing appreciation fosters feelings of safety, gratitude, and emotional closeness. Couples who practice gratitude regularly experience increased levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy (Algoe et al., 2010).
6. Seek Professional Help if Needed: In some cases, professional intervention may be necessary to overcome obstacles to emotional intimacy. Couples therapy can provide tools and strategies to address underlying issues and strengthen the connection between partners. Recent studies suggest that therapy can significantly improve emotional intimacy, especially for couples facing long-standing communication issues or emotional barriers (Johnson, 2013).

Overcoming Barriers to Emotional Intimacy

Certain factors can impede the development of emotional intimacy. Recognizing these barriers is the first step toward overcoming them:

• Past Trauma: Experiences of neglect, abuse, or past relationship trauma can make it difficult for individuals to be emotionally vulnerable in their current relationships. Understanding and addressing these traumas, often with the help of a therapist, can pave the way for building emotional intimacy (Freyd, 2008).
• Attachment Style: Individuals who experienced a lack of nurturing or affection during childhood may struggle with expressing emotions or being affectionate with their partner. Awareness and intentional work on attachment styles can help overcome these challenges (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
• Lack of Communication: Poor communication habits, such as assuming your partner knows how you feel or avoiding difficult discussions, can prevent the establishment of a deeper emotional connection. Developing effective communication skills is crucial for fostering emotional intimacy (Cordova et al., 2005).

Long-Term Benefits of Emotional Intimacy

The benefits of emotional intimacy extend far beyond the immediate improvements in communication and relationship satisfaction. Long-term, emotionally intimate relationships are associated with better mental and physical health, greater life satisfaction, and increased resilience during challenging times.

Research shows that emotional intimacy is linked to longer, healthier lives. Emotionally intimate partners are more likely to feel “in sync” with each other, align their goals, and work together toward a shared future. This sense of partnership not only enhances the relationship but also contributes to individual well-being (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).

Conclusion

Emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of a strong, lasting relationship. It fosters a deep connection that transcends physical attraction, allowing couples to navigate challenges together with empathy, trust, and mutual respect. By prioritizing emotional closeness through open communication, shared experiences, and affection, couples can build a resilient bond that not only enhances their relationship but also contributes to their overall well-being. Investing in emotional intimacy is not just about maintaining a relationship; it’s about enriching it, ensuring that both partners feel valued, understood, and loved in every aspect of their lives.

Born in the Basement: How to Overcome a Difficult Childhood

For many, childhood is a time of exploration, learning, and love, where basic social skills and self-worth are nurtured naturally. However, some individuals face a vastly different reality, growing up in environments devoid of emotional support and fundamental life lessons. These individuals, metaphorically “born in the basement,” must climb to the level of their peers who were afforded a healthier start in life.

Comparing yourself to others who had a much better start can feel disheartening. But if you were born in the basement, you deserve to applaud yourself for every achievement—it was a much bigger climb than many others had to make. This powerful sentiment captures the essence of resilience in the face of adversity. For those who began life with significant disadvantages, personal progress becomes a testament to strength and determination. Growing up in a challenging environment presents unique obstacles, yet it also offers profound opportunities for personal growth and empowerment.

The concept of being “born in the basement” encapsulates the idea of starting life with significant disadvantages, whether due to poverty, family dysfunction, abuse, or neglect. This article explores the psychological effects of such challenging beginnings and highlights the resilience and strength required to overcome them.

Understanding the Basement: The Impact of a Tough Childhood

Research consistently shows that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can have a lasting impact on mental health and development. ACEs include factors such as physical and emotional abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, and exposure to violence. According to a landmark study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente, individuals with higher ACE scores are at greater risk for mental health issues, chronic diseases, and lower life satisfaction. They can take a psychological toll, which may manifest as:

1. Lack of Trust and Attachment Issues: Children who grow up in unstable or abusive environments often struggle with trust and forming healthy attachments. The absence of a secure base in early life can lead to attachment disorders, making it more challenging for these individuals to develop and maintain relationships in adulthood. Research by Bowlby (1969) emphasizes the importance of secure attachment in early childhood, noting that a lack of emotional safety can result in long-lasting psychological distress.
2. Low Self-Esteem and Identity Struggles: The basement environment often lacks the positive reinforcement needed for a child to develop healthy self-esteem. These children may grow up feeling unworthy or inadequate, leading to identity struggles and a constant quest for validation. A study by Orth and Robins (2014) found a significant correlation between low self-esteem in childhood and an increased risk of depression and anxiety in later life.
3. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation: Children exposed to chronic stress and trauma may struggle with emotional regulation. This difficulty in managing emotions can manifest as aggression, withdrawal, or self-destructive behaviors. According to research by Cicchetti and Toth (2005), chronic stress alters the brain’s architecture, affecting the development of areas responsible for emotion regulation and decision-making.
4. Educational and Social Challenges: A lack of support and resources in childhood often leads to academic struggles and social isolation. Children born in the basement may have difficulty focusing in school, forming friendships, and participating in extracurricular activities. This can perpetuate a cycle of disadvantage, limiting future opportunities for growth and success.

Climbing Out of the Basement: Resilience and Overcoming Adversity

Despite the challenges faced, many individuals born in the basement demonstrate remarkable resilience and an ability to overcome adversity. Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, or significant stress. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed by anyone. Here are some key factors that promote resilience:

1. Supportive Relationships: The presence of supportive relationships can significantly impact an individual’s ability to overcome a difficult childhood. Mentors, teachers, friends, or community members can provide the emotional support and guidance needed to foster resilience. A study by Masten (2001) highlights the importance of supportive relationships in promoting resilience, noting that even one stable, supportive relationship can make a significant difference.
2. Developing a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset, or the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work, can empower individuals to overcome challenges. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset demonstrates that individuals who embrace this mindset are more likely to persevere in the face of adversity and view challenges as opportunities for growth.
3. Therapeutic Interventions: Therapy can be a powerful tool for individuals working to overcome a tough childhood. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-focused therapy, and other evidence-based approaches can help individuals process past experiences, develop coping strategies, and build self-esteem. Research by Smith et al. (2020) indicates that therapeutic interventions can significantly reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety in individuals with a history of ACEs.
4. Building Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence, or the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions, is crucial for overcoming adversity. Developing emotional intelligence can help individuals navigate social situations, build relationships, and manage stress effectively. A study by Mayer et al. (2008) found that higher emotional intelligence is associated with better mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Moving Forward: Embracing the Journey

For those born in the basement, the journey to overcome a challenging childhood is marked by perseverance, resilience, and growth. While the path may be arduous, it is also filled with opportunities for personal development and transformation. By acknowledging the struggles of the past and embracing the tools available for healing, individuals can rise above their circumstances and achieve a fulfilling life.

Conclusion

The concept of being “born in the basement” underscores the profound impact of a difficult childhood on an individual’s psychological development and well-being. However, it also highlights the incredible resilience and strength that individuals can harness to overcome adversity. By understanding the challenges faced and promoting strategies for resilience, we can empower those born in the basement to climb to new heights and thrive despite their beginnings.

Written by Nancy Sweeney, Life Coach and Dr. Cara Gardenswartz at GroupTherapyLA.

Source: Psychology Today

The Art of Listening: Improve Communication With Your Partner

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. It involves not only talking but also deliberate word choices that allow both partners to understand and be understood. Improving communication skills can significantly enhance one’s ability to express themselves and connect with their partners on a deeper level. Here are some techniques couples can apply immediately to strengthen their relationship through better communication.

1. Practice Active Listening

Active listening goes beyond merely hearing words; it involves fully engaging with your partner’s message. This means:

• Giving Full Attention: Put away distractions like phones and TVs during important conversations. Being fully present helps you understand and empathize with your partner.
• Showing Empathy: Reflect on your partner’s feelings and validate their emotions. Simple statements like, “I understand why you feel that way,” or “That sounds like a difficult situation,” can make a significant difference.
• Asking Questions: Clarify points you don’t understand instead of making assumptions. Questions like, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What do you mean by…?” show your interest and help avoid misunderstandings.

Example: If your partner shares a stressful day at work, instead of immediately offering solutions, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “That sounds really tough. How are you feeling about it now?”

2. Use “I” Statements

“I” statements help express your feelings without sounding accusatory, focusing on how you feel rather than blaming your partner. This technique can be accomplished through this structure:

• Describe the Situation: “When you…”
• Express Your Feelings: “I feel…”
• Explain Why: “Because…”

Example: Instead of saying, “You never help with the chores,” try, “When I do most of the housework, I feel overwhelmed because it’s a lot to handle alone.”

3. Be Clear and Concise

Clear communication avoids misunderstandings. Get to the point without being vague or beating around the bush. This also means being honest about your needs and expectations.

Example: Instead of hinting at wanting more quality time, say, “I would love it if we could spend more evenings together, just the two of us.”

4. Non-Verbal Communication Matters

Non-verbal cues like body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice play a significant role in communication. Ensure your non-verbal signals match your words to avoid sending mixed messages.

• Body Language: Your posture, gestures, and proximity to your partner convey a lot. Leaning in slightly shows interest, while crossing your arms may signal defensiveness.
• Facial Expressions: Your facial expressions often reveal your true feelings. Smiling, frowning, and raising your eyebrows can communicate your emotions more powerfully than words.
• Tone of Voice: The tone, pitch, and volume of your voice can affect how your message is received. A calm, gentle tone can soothe and reassure, while a harsh or loud tone can escalate tension.

Example: When discussing something important, make eye contact and nod occasionally to show you’re engaged and understanding.

5. Set Aside Time for Meaningful Conversations

Daily life can be hectic, making it easy to neglect deep conversations. Schedule regular time to check in with each other without distractions.

Example: Have a weekly “relationship meeting” to discuss anything on your minds, share feelings, and plan together.

Effective communication is not a one-time fix but an ongoing process that requires effort and dedication. By implementing these techniques, couples can build stronger, more understanding, and more fulfilling relationships. Remember, the goal is not to be perfect but to create a safe space where both partners can express themselves openly and honestly. If these techniques prove to be unsuccessful, seeking professional help is a valuable option for many to address their relationship needs.

Recent Research Insights

Recent studies have further emphasized the importance of effective communication in relationships. According to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who practice active listening and empathy report higher relationship satisfaction and lower conflict levels (Smith et al., 2023). Another study in Communication Monographs highlighted that the use of “I” statements significantly reduces defensive responses and fosters more productive discussions (Jones & Taylor, 2022).

Moreover, non-verbal communication continues to be a critical component. A 2022 study found that couples who align their verbal and non-verbal communication are more likely to resolve conflicts amicably (Lee & Park, 2022).

By staying informed on the latest research and continuously refining their communication skills, couples can navigate challenges more effectively and build a resilient, loving partnership.

Source: Psychology Today

Recognizing the Impact of Big T and Little T Trauma

Trauma is often seen as a major, life-changing event that leaves a profound impact on an individual’s mental health. These significant events are referred to as “Big T” traumas. However, the cumulative impact of smaller, persistent negative experiences, known as “Little T” traumas, can be just as harmful. Understanding the differences between these types of trauma and their psychological effects is vital for effective mental health care and personal well-being.

Case Example: Sarah and James

Sarah’s Story (Big T Trauma): Sarah was involved in a serious car accident that left her with multiple injuries and severe emotional trauma. The sudden, life-threatening nature of the accident led to immediate and intense psychological distress. Sarah experienced flashbacks, nightmares, and an overwhelming sense of fear and helplessness. She struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and had to undergo extensive therapy to process the event and its impact on her life.

James’s Story (Little T Trauma): James grew up in a household where his father was emotionally distant and frequently critical. Although there were no single, dramatic events, the constant criticism and lack of emotional support eroded James’s self-esteem over time. He internalized his father’s negative comments, leading to chronic feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. As an adult, James found it difficult to form healthy relationships and often felt anxious and depressed. The cumulative effect of these daily stressors had a profound impact on his mental health.

Defining Big T and Little T Trauma

Big T Trauma: These are events that are widely acknowledged as traumatic, such as natural disasters, severe accidents, physical or sexual assault, and other catastrophic occurrences that pose a serious threat to one’s physical or emotional health. Big T traumas are often sudden and intense, leading to immediate and severe psychological distress.

Little T Trauma: In contrast, Little T traumas are chronic, repetitive experiences that, while not life-threatening, can accumulate and cause significant emotional and psychological damage. Examples include ongoing parental criticism, chronic feelings of inadequacy, workplace bullying, or persistent financial stress. These experiences may seem minor individually, but their cumulative effect over time can be deeply damaging.

The Insidious Nature of Little T Trauma

Research indicates that the “day-in and day-out pounding of undermining influences,” such as a parent’s scathing criticisms, can cause more psychological trauma than a single traumatic event (Herman, 1992). These damaging influences, because they blend into the everyday background of our lives, are more difficult to remember and exorcise. The daily, steady assault of negative forces must be recognized and resolved with as much attention as is paid to single overwhelmingly traumatic events (van der Kolk, 2014).

Emotional Impact: Little T traumas often undermine self-esteem and self-worth. Chronic criticism, for example, can lead to pervasive feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Over time, this can manifest as anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.

Behavioral Impact: Individuals experiencing Little T traumas may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as avoidance behaviors, substance abuse, or other forms of self-destructive behavior. The subtle nature of these traumas can make them harder to identify and address.

Physiological Impact: Chronic stress from Little T traumas can have significant physical health implications. Prolonged exposure to stress hormones like cortisol can lead to health issues, such as hypertension, weakened immune function, and increased susceptibility to illnesses (Sapolsky, 2004).

Addressing and Healing from Little T Trauma

Given the subtle and pervasive nature of Little T traumas, it is essential to recognize and address them with as much attention as Big T traumas.

Validation: One of the first steps in addressing Little T trauma is validating the individual’s experiences. Acknowledging that these seemingly minor events can have a significant impact is crucial for effective healing.

Therapeutic Approaches:

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns that have developed as a result of chronic stressors. It can also provide strategies for managing stress and improving emotional regulation (Hofmann et al., 2012).
2. Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Mindfulness practices can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and emotions, providing a way to manage the ongoing stressors in their lives. Techniques such as mindfulness meditation and yoga have been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression (Baer, 2003).
3. Supportive Relationships: Building and maintaining supportive relationships can buffer the effects of Little T traumas. Positive social interactions can provide emotional support and help individuals develop resilience (Cacioppo et al., 2009).

Professional Help: Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can be instrumental. These professionals can help individuals process their experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Conclusion

Recognizing the impact of both Big T and Little T traumas is essential for effective mental health care. While Big T traumas are often more visible and immediately recognizable, the cumulative effect of Little T traumas can be equally profound. Acknowledging and addressing these chronic stressors is crucial for fostering resilience and promoting overall well-being. By validating the impact of daily stressors and providing appropriate therapeutic support, individuals can begin to heal from the pervasive effects of Little T traumas.

Source: Psychology Today

How to Rebuild Trust After Betrayal in a Relationship

Trust is the bedrock of any meaningful relationship. It’s the glue that binds two people together, creating a sense of safety and connection. However, when trust is shattered, the devastation can feel insurmountable. Whether due to infidelity, dishonesty, or other breaches, betrayal strikes at the core of a relationship. But there’s hope. If both partners are committed, rebuilding trust is possible. This post explores actionable steps and recent research to guide you through this challenging yet transformative journey.

The Commitment to Rebuild

The decision to rebuild trust must be mutual. Both partners need to be fully dedicated to the process, which requires time, patience, and unwavering effort. It’s not a journey for the faint-hearted but for those willing to invest in the possibility of a renewed relationship.

Responsibility: Owning Your Actions

The first crucial step is taking responsibility. The betrayer must acknowledge their actions and the pain they’ve caused. This isn’t about self-flagellation but about genuine remorse and empathy. Dr. John Gottman’s research underscores the importance of attunement and empathy from the betrayer. This step lays the foundation for open, honest communication, fostering a sense of security necessary for healing.

Reliability: Consistent Actions Over Words

Actions truly speak louder than words. To rebuild trust, the betrayer must demonstrate consistent, reliable behavior. This means keeping promises, respecting boundaries, and showing dependability in every aspect of the relationship. Recent studies confirm that consistent actions are far more effective in regaining trust than mere words.

Understanding: Embracing Emotional Complexity

Healing is a complex process, and the betrayed partner will experience a whirlwind of emotions. It’s essential for the betrayer to remain patient and understanding. Recognize that healing takes time and setbacks are part of the journey. This empathy and support can significantly aid in rebuilding the emotional bridge between partners.

Communication: The Power of Transparency

Transparent communication is the linchpin of rebuilding trust. Both partners must be willing to discuss the betrayal openly, express their feelings, and outline their needs for moving forward. Research highlights the critical role of clear communication styles in any relationship. Honest, vulnerable conversations help rebuild emotional intimacy and set the stage for a stronger bond.

Guidance: Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, navigating the aftermath of betrayal requires professional help. Therapists offer a neutral ground where both partners can express themselves freely. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her seminal work “Not ‘Just Friends’,” emphasizes the importance of therapy for couples dealing with infidelity. Therapists guide couples in developing effective communication strategies and understanding each other’s emotional needs.

Personal Growth: Embracing Individual Development

Rebuilding trust isn’t just about the relationship; it’s also about individual growth. Both partners should commit to personal development, addressing personal issues that may have contributed to the betrayal. Studies on relationship resilience show that couples who support each other’s personal growth are more likely to rebuild a stronger, more appreciative connection.

Rebuilding Intimacy: Patience and Respect

Intimacy is vital for a thriving relationship. Post-betrayal, rebuilding intimacy requires patience and respect for each other’s boundaries. Approach this process with sensitivity, gradually fostering a new sense of togetherness at a pace comfortable for both partners.

Conclusion

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is undeniably challenging, but it is possible with commitment and effort from both partners. By focusing on responsibility, reliability, understanding, communication, guidance, personal growth, and rebuilding intimacy, couples can work towards a renewed relationship built on a foundation of strengthened trust.

For those looking to dive deeper into the intricacies of rebuilding trust, the works of Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Shirley Glass, and Dr. Sue Johnson offer invaluable insights and strategies. Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), for instance, emphasizes the importance of addressing attachment needs and fostering secure emotional bonds, which are crucial for healing after betrayal.

Rebuilding trust is a transformative journey that, if navigated with care and dedication, can lead to a stronger, more resilient relationship. The path isn’t easy, but for those willing to walk it, the rewards can be profound.

Source: Psychology Today

Interdependence: The Key to Healthy Relationships

What is interdependence and how is it healthier than codependence?

While independence is often championed as a hallmark of strength and autonomy, its excessive pursuit can sometimes lead to isolation and detachment. Conversely, codependence can result in an unhealthy over-reliance on others, compromising personal growth and well-being. Interdependence, however, emerges as a beacon of healthy relational dynamics, fostering mutual support and growth. Let’s explore these concepts, emphasizing the virtues of interdependence, the pitfalls of excessive independence, and the challenges of codependence, along with recent research findings.

Interdependence: Nurturing Healthy Bonds

Interdependence represents the delicate dance of mutual reliance and support within relationships. Unlike the notion of rugged independence, interdependence acknowledges the inherent interconnectedness of individuals and celebrates the strength found in collaboration. In interdependent relationships, partners embrace their vulnerabilities, share responsibilities, and draw strength from each other’s unique qualities. Through open communication and genuine reciprocity, they cultivate a sense of belonging and unity while maintaining their individual identities.

Key Characteristics of Interdependence:

• Mutual Support: Partners lean on each other for emotional, practical, and spiritual nourishment.
• Shared Decision-Making: Collaborative problem-solving and decision-making reflect mutual respect.
• Emotional Intimacy: Vulnerability deepens emotional connections between individuals.
• Healthy Boundaries: Respectful interactions and empathy strengthen relationships.

Recent research underscores the importance of social connections for well-being. Studies have shown that social connectedness positively impacts mental and physical health, enhancing feelings of happiness and reducing stress levels. For instance, the Harvard Study of Adult Development found that close relationships are key to health and happiness, acting as a buffer against life’s challenges and reducing the risk of chronic stress and related health issues​ (Harvard Gazette)​​ (Frontiers)​.

Independence: A Lonelier Path

Independence, when pursued to an extreme, can morph into a solitary journey marked by self-sufficiency at the expense of meaningful connection. While autonomy is undoubtedly valuable, an excessive focus on independence may lead to emotional detachment and an unwillingness to seek support from others. In this paradigm, individuals may erect walls around their hearts, fearing vulnerability and relying solely on their own resources to navigate life’s challenges. However, this solitary stance often breeds loneliness and prevents the deep bonds that arise from shared experiences and mutual reliance.

Key Characteristics of Excessive Independence:

• Emotional Detachment: Individuals may struggle to express feelings or seek comfort from others.
• Isolation: Excessive independence can lead to social withdrawal and limited connections.
• Stifled Growth: Lack of external input can hinder personal development.
• Fear of Vulnerability: Maintaining a facade of strength can block authentic relationships.

Codependence: The Pitfalls of Over-Reliance

On the other end of the spectrum lies codependence, where the balance tips towards excessive reliance on another person, often at the expense of one’s own needs and identity. Codependent relationships are characterized by an unhealthy level of dependency, where one or both partners may struggle with self-esteem and find their sense of worth primarily through the other person. This dynamic can lead to enabling behaviors, where one partner’s over-reliance stifles both individuals’ growth and well-being.

Key Characteristics of Codependence:

• Lack of Boundaries: Codependence blurs personal boundaries, losing individuality.
• Over-Responsibility: One partner may feel overly responsible for the other’s emotions.
• Low Self-Esteem: Self-worth depends on partner’s approval, leading to fragile identity.
• Fear of Abandonment: Fear of rejection drives clingy and controlling behaviors.

Embracing Healthy Interdependence

In a world that often glorifies individualism, it’s crucial to recognize the inherent value of interdependence in fostering rich and meaningful relationships. While independence has its merits, and codependence presents significant challenges, it’s within the embrace of interdependence that true connection and fulfillment are found. By cultivating a balance between autonomy and interconnectedness, individuals can navigate relationships with grace, vulnerability, and a deep appreciation for the beauty of shared experiences. In doing so, they pave the way for authentic connections that celebrate both individuality and mutual support.

Recent studies highlight that social neuroscience has provided deeper insights into how social connectedness affects our brain and overall well-being. For instance, functional MRI studies have shown that social acceptance and connectedness activate reward systems in the brain, enhancing feelings of happiness and satisfaction​ (Frontiers)​. This reinforces the idea that healthy, interdependent relationships are crucial for mental and physical health.

Source: Psychology Today

Managing Couples Therapy With a Neurodiverse Partner

Couples therapy serves as a crucial avenue for fostering mutual understanding and communication within relationships, particularly when one partner is neurodivergent, such as being high-functioning autistic. Despite potential challenges unique to neurodiverse couples, the overarching goals and benefits of therapy largely mirror those of traditional couples counseling.

Understanding the Goals

The primary objective of couples therapy with neurodivergent partners is to enhance communication and deepen mutual understanding. Neurodivergent individuals, characterized by differences in cognitive processing and sensory perceptions, may encounter distinct challenges in navigating interpersonal dynamics. These challenges can manifest in difficulties with problem-solving, adapting to change, and processing sensory stimuli. Research underscores that tailored therapeutic interventions can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and reduce conflicts among neurodiverse couples (Smith, Jones, & Johnson, 2023).

Navigating Challenges

Entering couples therapy can be daunting for any couple, and neurotypical partners need to approach it with openness and empathy. The dynamics of a relationship where one partner is neurodivergent often necessitate a more nuanced approach to communication and conflict resolution. According to studies from the University of Cambridge, effective couples therapy interventions can mitigate communication barriers and promote a more harmonious relationship dynamic (University of Cambridge, Department of Psychiatry, 2022).

Nuanced Approach to Conflict Resolution

Empathy Development: Neurotypical partners are encouraged to deeply understand and respect the sensory and cognitive differences of their neurodivergent partners. For example, recognizing that a partner might need more time to process and respond during a conversation can significantly reduce misunderstandings.

Adaptability in Communication: Neurotypical partners may learn to modify their communication style, using more direct and explicit language to avoid ambiguity, which can be challenging for neurodivergent individuals.

Practical Strategies

Therapists specializing in neurodiverse couples counseling utilize evidence-based strategies to address the unique needs of each partner. These may include structured communication exercises, sensory regulation techniques, and cognitive-behavioral interventions to enhance emotional regulation and empathy within the relationship. By fostering a safe and supportive therapeutic environment, couples can explore and implement effective solutions to relational challenges.

The following evidence-based techniques may be helpful.

Structured Communication Exercises: These exercises help neurodiverse couples articulate their thoughts and feelings more clearly. For instance, therapists might use visual aids or written prompts to facilitate dialogue.

Sensory Regulation Techniques: Given that neurodivergent individuals often have heightened sensory perceptions, therapists might introduce calming strategies, such as deep breathing exercises or sensory-friendly environments, to reduce overstimulation during sessions.

Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions: These interventions help improve emotional regulation and empathy. For instance, a neurodivergent partner might practice recognizing and articulating their emotions, while the neurotypical partner learns to respond with patience and validation.

Safe and Supportive Environment: Creating a non-judgmental space allows couples to openly discuss their challenges and work collaboratively towards solutions. Therapists might use role-playing scenarios to practice these new skills in a controlled setting.

The Role of Empathy and Effort

Successful outcomes in couples therapy often hinge on the partners’ willingness to empathize with each other’s perspectives and invest fully in the therapeutic process. For neurotypical partners, this entails recognizing and respecting the neurodivergent partner’s unique experiences and communication styles. Likewise, neurodivergent partners benefit from actively engaging in therapy to refine their communication skills and deepen their emotional connection.

Mutual Investment in the Process

Active Engagement: Both partners are encouraged to participate in therapy fully. Neurodivergent partners work on refining their communication skills, while neurotypical partners strive to understand and accommodate their partner’s unique needs. An example might be setting aside regular times for structured communication exercises to reinforce skills learned in therapy.

Conclusion

Couples therapy with a neurodiverse partner aims to enrich relationships by promoting effective communication, mutual empathy, and relational resilience. By integrating evidence-based interventions tailored to the specific needs of neurodiverse couples, therapy can facilitate significant breakthroughs in understanding and connection. Embracing the journey of couples therapy with openness and dedication, informed by empirical research, can lead to enduring relational satisfaction and harmony. By integrating these insights into the therapeutic journey, couples can cultivate a more profound and resilient bond that honors both partners’ unique perspectives and strengths.

Source: Psychology Today

Dealing With Academic Burnout

In today’s fast-paced and high-pressure academic environment, students of all ages are increasingly experiencing the debilitating effects of academic burnout. Similar to previous generations, the demands and expectations placed on students have escalated, often leading to a state of chronic stress and exhaustion, especially as many feel pressure to compete with their peers. Recognizing and addressing academic burnout is essential for maintaining mental health and achieving long-term academic and personal success.

Signs of Academic Burnout

Identifying the signs of academic burnout is the first step in addressing this pervasive issue. Burnout often manifests in both physical and emotional symptoms, which can significantly impact a student’s ability to perform and thrive.

Emotional Exhaustion: Students may feel overwhelmed, constantly stressed, and emotionally drained. They might struggle with feelings of isolation and detachment from their studies and peers.

Decreased Performance: Burnout can lead to a noticeable decline in academic performance. Students may find it difficult to concentrate, retain information, and meet deadlines, resulting in lower grades and a lack of motivation.

Physical Symptoms: Chronic fatigue, headaches, and sleep disturbances are common physical manifestations of academic burnout. These symptoms can further exacerbate emotional stress and reduce overall well-being.

Understanding these signs can help students, parents, and educators intervene early, providing the support needed to prevent burnout from worsening.

Effective Coping Strategies

Once burnout is recognized, implementing effective coping strategies is crucial for recovery and maintaining a balanced academic life. Here are several approaches to consider:

Time Management: Developing strong time management skills can help students allocate time for both academic and personal activities. Research suggests that students who effectively manage their time experience lower stress levels and higher academic performance (Parker & Salmela-Aro, 2020).

Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practices such as mindfulness meditation, deep breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation can reduce stress levels and promote mental clarity (Kabat-Zinn, 2003). Incorporating these techniques into daily routines can provide students with tools to manage stress more effectively.

Seeking Support: Encouraging students to reach out for support from peers, family, or mental health professionals is vital. Research indicates that social support plays a crucial role in mitigating burnout symptoms and enhancing well-being (Winefield, Gill & Taylor, 2012).

By adopting these strategies, students can better manage their academic workload and reduce the risk of burnout.

Long-Term Solutions

To prevent academic burnout from recurring, it is important to implement long-term solutions that foster resilience and promote sustained well-being.

Setting Realistic Goals: Helping students set achievable academic and personal goals can prevent the constant pressure to excel in every area. Research shows that goal-setting improves motivation and reduces anxiety (Locke & Latham, 2002).

Promoting a Healthy Lifestyle: A balanced diet, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep are fundamental components of physical and mental health (WHO, 2020). Educating students on the importance of these habits can enhance their overall well-being and academic performance.

Cultivating a Supportive Environment: Creating an environment that prioritizes mental health and well-being in academic settings is crucial. Schools and universities can offer resources such as mental health workshops, stress management programs, and accessible counseling services to support students throughout their academic journey.

By implementing these long-term strategies, students can build the resilience needed to navigate academic challenges and maintain a healthy, balanced life.

Conclusion

Academic burnout is a significant issue that requires attention and action from students, parents, and educators alike. Recognizing the signs, employing effective coping strategies, and implementing long-term solutions can help students overcome burnout and achieve their full potential. Embracing these approaches will not only enhance academic success but also contribute to overall mental and emotional well-being.

Navigating the complexities of academic life demands creativity, empathy, and self-compassion. By embracing the inherent challenges and adopting an attitude of openness and understanding, students can cultivate a supportive environment conducive to mutual growth and development of their academic and personal lives.

Source: Psychology Today

Love Compatibility Test: Ask Your S.O. These 12 (!) Questions To Determine Long-Term Relationship Success

In a relationship, the whole “opposites attract” thing only goes so far. Sure, complementary strengths and weaknesses may create a fun dynamic and even encourage you and your partner(s) to widen your perspectives, but when it comes to life-defining choices, being on the same page is pretty darn important.

After all, things can quickly go south “when there are fundamental differences in values or beliefs that can lead to conflict, tension, or resentment,” says Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, a clinical psychologist with practices in New York and Los Angeles. “If one partner undergoes a major shift in opinions or lifestyle, it’s time to reassess.”

That’s why it’s important ask lots of questions while you’re dating someone. Ahead are 12 crucial questions to ask your S.O.—and yourself—to gauge compatibility, prevent any surprise dealbreakers, and put your relationship on the path to long-term success.

Compatibility Test Questions:

1. How do you spend your free time?

How you spend your free time seems like a pretty innocuous question—but it can be huge for determining your compatibility. “If they say they love sleeping ’til noon and going for a boozy brunch, while you’re more of a green juice and spin class gal, you may not be compatible in this area,” says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a relationship therapist in New York. Make sure there’s some common ground in your weekend—and more importantly, long-term—plans and goals, or be prepared to make some big compromises.

2. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read lately?

“Ask questions that help you to understand what inspires their intellect,” Hendrix says. “If you sign up to be life partners, you will be spending a lot of downtime together and you want to be with someone with whom you can carry on stimulating conversation.” If reading isn’t their thing, ask what music has them fired up or what art show they’re dying to see. Whatever your and their interests, you want to make sure you’re intellectually compatible and can keep up with one another.

3. What are your spiritual beliefs?

Differing religious views aren’t grounds for a breakup—there are tons of successful couples with interfaith relationships. “Your partner’s spiritual beliefs don’t have to be the same as yours,” Hendrix says. “But if spiritual beliefs are important to how you view life and how you will want to raise your family, it’s important to know how close or far your beliefs are.” Some specific Qs to ask are whether they believe in a higher power, if they believe in life after death, if they have a belief system that guides their life, and how important it is to them for their family to be raised in this system.

4. What is your attachment style?

“Attachment styles are about how much closeness you can tolerate before your nervous system signals overload—and how much intimacy you can do without until your nervous system signals panic,” says Brandy Engler, PsyD, a relationship therapist and the author of The Women on My Couch.

Some people are naturally more independent—meaning they’re totally cool with only hanging out once a week and might feel stifled by daily check-in phone calls from a partner. Other people, meanwhile, have an attachment style more suited to hanging out 24/7, Engler explains. “People on opposite ends of this spectrum are not very compatible—they cause each other a great deal of stress,” she says.

To determine where you and your partner fall, define concretely how much time you like to spend with an S.O., how physically affectionate you are, and how much of those things you expect from a partner.

5. What’s your sex drive like?

If you want to get it on all the time while your partner naturally has a lower libido, that might not be a good sign. “People with discrepant sex drives really struggle down the road,” says Engler

While it might be easy to overlook this incompatibility during the honeymoon phase when you’re naturally more physical, “the lower sex drive person often can’t keep up with accommodating the higher driver person,” Engler explains. This one can be hard to resolve, she adds, so talking about it up front is a super important part of determining your future compatibility.

6. What is your sexual style?

While you’re at it, ask your partner about their sexual style, Engler says. “It’s good to reflect on how each person approaches sex emotionally and erotically,” she says. If your perfect night involves some kinky BDSM, but your partner is more about rose petals and romantic music, it can be tricky to reconcile those differing desires.

“If both partners are open to expanding, this can work,” Engler says. “But if you are both rigid and fixed in your ways, you may end up feeling chronically frustrated.” (Sexually and otherwise.)

7. What will you do with your bonus next month?

Money issues often sparks arguments between couples, especially as relationships progress. Even if you have totally separate financial lives now, your attitudes about money can be a major factor in determining whether you and your partner are compatible down the road.

“Every couple has one partner who is more of a saver, and one partner who is more of a spender,” explains Hendrix, but it’s not an issue of incompatibility unless you’re on extreme ends of the spectrum. To save yourself from more serious fights, “ask questions about what they do when they have extra cash in the bank, what money means to them, and how they view debt” up front, Hendrix says.

8. What are your family relationships like?

If a couple wants to go the distance, embracing the role family plays in their life—whatever that looks like—is key. “Both partners don’t have to be equally close with their families or see them the same amount, but they should be open to participating in each other’s family gatherings and obligations,” says Gardenswartz. “If one partner is reluctant or feels overwhelmed taking part in their partner’s family gatherings, it can lead to resentment on both sides.”

9. How do you manage stress and mental health?

Your partner should be self-aware of how they handle adversity or difficult moments. “Coping mechanisms reveal a lot,” says Gardenswartz. Do they keep everything bottled up until they explode, or do they manage stress productively through therapy, yoga, exercise, or another form of self-care? “Having the emotional maturity and resilience to take care of themselves indicates they’ll be able to support you through tough times as well,” she adds.

10. How do you resolve conflict?

Disagreements are inevitable, so being in sync about conflict resolution is crucial to keeping arguments from escalating. Some couples like discussing their issues right when the conflict comes up, while others like to process their feelings separately and then talk about it once they’ve had time to cool down. “When two people have different styles of working through problems, communication breaks down and working towards mutual solutions becomes more difficult,” explains Gardenswartz.

11. What are your core values and beliefs?

Do you see the world optimistically or cynically? How do you feel about long-term monogamy? Can you honor someone else’s religious or political views if they’re different from your own? The answers to these kinds of questions reflect the values and beliefs that shape our identities and our approach to relationships.

“In a healthy relationship, partners have to accept each other’s values and beliefs,” says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist, relationship scientist, and the founder of Embracing Change Marriage and Family Therapy in New York. “Even if they’re not completely aligned, there should always be mutual respect and open communication to discuss them in a healthy way, especially if they’re ones that play a big role in your lives.”

12. Can you depend on this person?

You should ask yourself some Qs to determine compatibility as well. The biggest one is whether you can really depend on your partner. “This is a question that comes up over and over in couples’ therapy,” says Engler. “When you share a life together, from daily chores to major life events, you want to know you can depend on this person and they will not put all the responsibility on you.”

Ask yourself whether your partner pulls their weight, if they’re there for you when you’re upset, or if they make you dinner when you’re working late. “This is an area that people don’t discuss and negotiate—but they do complain about it a lot later,” Engler says. “It’s wise to take care of this early and figure out how you will provide for each other. If not, someone will feel abandoned later.”

When To Reassess

When you and your partner are super compatible, you’ll find yourself having similar answers to most of these questions—Hendrix says it’s a good sign if you agree on these Qs about 80 percent of the time. “You want to reassess if you are starting to feel either a great number of things you don’t agree on or a great level of intensity when you disagree on something,” she says.

Just a reminder: There’s no exact formula to figure out if you and your S.O. are compatible or no single question you can ask to figure out if your relationship is doomed. Ultimately, “it depends how important it is to you to be with someone who is compatible with you in that specific area,” says Hendrix.

Relationships and people naturally evolve, but overall, you and your partner should be growing in the same direction together. “If there’s dwindling intimacy, frequent conflict, or a major life change that affects one of your core beliefs, it might be time to examine how many differences you’re willing to accept to be with each other,” Gardenswartz explains. If you feel like your compatibility is waning, check in with each other about it, and make your decision from there.

Source: Women’s Health

What Are Parasocial Relationships? Why You’re *So* Obsessed With Your Favorite Celebrity Couple

If you’re someone who spends ~a lot~ of time online—like, you begrudgingly know in your heart of hearts that you are chronically online—you’ve probably heard the term “parasocial relationship.” Heck, it’s more than possible that you’ve engaged in one or two yourself.

In the age of social media, all it takes is a simple “follow” to begin this virtual connection. And while a little bit of internet-infused fandom is relatively normal, it becomes a parasocial relationship “when a person develops an attachment to a celebrity [or] an online personality,” says Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of Group Therapy LA and Group Therapy NY.

Maybe you felt like you were vicariously living through Taylor Swift when she attended her first of Travis Kelce’s Chiefs games on September 23, or you find yourself rewatching Zendaya’s interviews where goes out of her way to bring up Tom Holland. But it’s a one-way street: While the non-famous person in a parasocial relationship feels deeply connected to this celeb, the celeb isn’t aware of the connection.

Ahead, learn about the types of parasocial relationships, how they form, and why these seemingly harmless connections can become unhealthy, according to therapists.

Types Of Parasocial Relationships

There are two common types of parasocial relationships: interactions and attachments. Here’s how to tell the difference between the two, according to experts.

Parasocial Interactions

Parasocial interactions are “when someone feels a sense of connection or intimacy with a [public] figure,” says Gardenswartz, and they can look different depending on the situation. You might be a huge fan of Serena Williams, for example, but you don’t just watch her whenever she plays tennis on TV. You always tune into her Instagram Lives (no matter what you’ve got going in IRL), and you may even respond aloud to what she’s saying as if you’re there with her in person, says Morgan Anderson, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of Love Magnet. But here’s the catch: While you genuinely feel connected to Serena as if she’s your best friend in these moments, it’s “an interaction where you’re having a deeper connection than is based in reality,” explains Anderson.

Another example is if your favorite influencer posts that she gave birth, and when you comment “Congratulations!” on the photo, they like the comment. This makes you feel like you have a growing closeness and maybe even a relationship with this person from this interaction—but it’s parasocial, Parks says.

It’s also possible to form this type of ‘ship with a fictional character, adds Shawntres Parks, PhD, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Women’s Health advisory board member based in West Covina, California. Say you’re watching a television show, like Gossip Girl, and you genuinely feel like you’re friends with Blair Waldorf. You get the sense that you two know each other intimately, even though she’s a fictional character.

Parasocial Attachments

This type of parasocial relationship takes the concept of interactions up a notch. “The individual feels a sense of dependence on the [figure] for emotional support or validation,” Gardenswartz says. “They really rely on this person.” The individual might also feel like there’s affection growing between them—even though that affection isn’t real and isn’t developing like it would in a typical real-life relationship where there’s a series of consistent personal interactions, adds Parks.

Someone engaging in a parasocial attachment with Jennifer Aniston, for instance, might frequent her Instagram profile in search of some sort of validation. When they click on her story that says “Have a great day, everyone!” they use that to determine what they’re going to do or how they might feel, Gardenswartz says.

Another example: If Khloe Kardashian posts about her partnership with an organization brand, someone with a parasocial attachment might feel like Khloe is speaking specifically to them and wants to help them get organized. While this person might feel like there’s an attachment growing with their favorite influencer, it’s not based on any substantive interactions.

How do parasocial relationships form?

As social creatures, humans need connection to survive, says Anderson. “If we don’t have connection in our everyday lives, our brain may start to find creative ways to make it happen,” she explains. That’s why those who are feeling isolated or disconnected from people in their everyday lives might be more susceptible to developing parasocial relationships. Because it’s normal for influencers and celebrities to share so much personal information online, it feels like there’s intimacy between these public figures and their followers. For someone who’s isolated, this connection may feel fulfilling, Parks adds.

Forming this kind of attachment can also come from a fear of putting yourself out there with real people, being vulnerable, and potentially facing rejection, Anderson adds. “This individual’s responding to an attachment need, whether it’s a need to be seen, be heard, be valued,” Parks says. For instance, this individual could have avoidant or anxious attachment, and this might feel like a “safe” way to fulfill that need of a secure attachment without fear or rejection from someone in real life.

A parasocial relationship also offers a form of escapism and stress relief. It “can provide a sense of companionship, a sense of entertainment, even a sense of inspiration,” Gardenswartz says. This type of connection can even help people cope with the negativity and distractions of real life, especially if someone is struggling with an IRL relationship, Anderson adds.

Plus, celebrities and public figures often show their relatable sides online, and that’s when it’s especially easy to get attached, Gardenswartz says. (Taylor Swift loves cats? So do I—I just know we’d be besties.) Plus, that attachment grows every time you’re exposed to that figure on social media, which tends to increase over time as these apps’ algorithms are highly repetitive and feed you more of the content you want to see.

Social Media’s Role In Parasocial Relationships

Before social media, you might’ve felt a connection with the news anchors while watching the Today Show, for instance, Gardenswartz says. It was easy to feel like the anchors were really speaking to you because they were in your home every day, but that feeling has since become magnified with the “I’m here with you all the time” effect of social media, she notes. If you have your phone, you have instant access to a celebrity’s recent thoughts, activity, and whatever else they want to share.

With social media, “we have such a view into people’s everyday lives” that was never accessible before, Anderson says. Therefore, it’s much easier to form a parasocial interaction or attachment now because online communication platforms, like Instagram and TikTok, create a false sense of connection between a media figure and their followers.

Plus, these days, digital media is the biggest way to reach a mass audience, whether it’s social media, podcasts, or radio. These forms of media are maintained by creators consistently making content and individuals subscribing to or following them. If a creator doesn’t have an audience, there’s no market for them to keep creating content. Consequently, “there are relationships that are naturally built in those media channels where in order to sustain it, we need people to buy into it,” Parks says.

People not only need to buy into the idea that an influencer actually uses the brand they’re partnering with, but in order for them to continue wanting to consume this content, they also need to connect with someone’s voice or look, or the feeling they receive from interacting with their content. From there, it’s a cycle: The individual consuming the content gets positive feelings from the content and craves more of it, and the content creator has to put out more content to keep connecting with their followers, Parks explains.

Are parasocial relationships healthy?

It depends on the level of intensity of said parasocial relationship, but all of them have pros and cons.

Potential Pros

• Education: “There’s so much educational content we can get from online sources or from people we don’t actually know,” Anderson says. An example of this could be influencers who share mental health tips on how they like to increase their self-care, or even personal trainers who post health and fitness tips, she adds.
• Coping: Engaging in parasocial relationships can certainly be a form of escapism from real life and a way to cope with loneliness, Anderson says. “For some people who feel socially isolated or marginalized, a little bit of escapism or stress relief might not be that bad,” Gardenswartz says. However, too much of it can be negative.

Potential Cons

• Misinformation: Spoiler alert—not everything you see on the internet is true. There’s a lot of false information posted by celebrities and influencers, and it can make someone feel depressed or anxious, Parks says. An example: Over-consuming political content that leans into extremism in either direction might impact the way you interact with people IRL who have more moderate perspectives, she explains.
• Comparison: If you follow lots of influencers who cover beauty and fitness content, they can make you feel bad about yourself. Lots of influencers seemingly have “perfect” skin or bodies, and by regularly seeing these images, you might begin comparing yourself to them and becoming critical, Parks says.
• Mental health issues: People with parasocial relationships may be more likely to become depressed and feel lonely. “If you’re having parasocial interactions or attachments, that’s simply not going to get you the kind of connection you need to prevent against mental health disorders,” Anderson says. That’s because these relationships can’t provide the same personal fulfillment that an IRL relationship can. It’s also not a healthy way to cope with any preexisting mental health issues, and you could be using your time in a more beneficial way, like seeing a therapist.
• Obsession: There are levels to having parasocial relationships, and if they get to a point where they take you away from your real life connections, that’s when it can become an obsession and is unhealthy, Anderson says. Like, maybe you cancel your standing monthly lunch date with a friend because Taylor Swift is doing an Instagram Live. “It actually can lead to a sense of loneliness or dissatisfaction with real relationships,” Gardenswartz adds. And there’s a real possibility that parasocial attachments can replace your real-life ones.

How To Avoid Parasocial Relationships

If you want to steer clear of these kinds of ‘ships, there are a few expert-approved strategies to try.

• Test your reality. Anderson recommends trying Reality Testing, a cognitive behavioral intervention. On a piece of paper, write down the facts of this scenario, like: “I commented on Taylor Swift’s TikTok today. It got 1,000 likes, but Taylor herself did not like it.” Then, be honest with yourself about those facts to determine if it’s a real relationship. In this case, the context clues are telling you that Taylor Swift most likely does not know you exist.
• Consider your ROEI. This is your return on energy investment, according to Anderson, and it can help you gauge if a parasocial relationship is worth the effort you’re putting into it. If you spent two hours Instagram-stalking your favorite influencer, ask yourself what you’re *actually* getting out of all that time spent investing in this relationship. Maybe you ended up buying $300 worth of kitchen supplies they recommended, but you subconsciously know you’ll never use them.
• Notice how you feel. Overall, when you’re engaging with someone’s content, take stock of your emotions. “What do you notice in your body about the feelings that come up?” Parks asks. If the feelings are positive, continue nurturing it, but if the feelings are negative, think critically: Is it the individual that’s making you upset? How about the topic?

If you’ve realized your parasocial relationships probably aren’t a good way to use your time after these exercises, break the pattern. Start implementing alternate behaviors in place of investing your energy into these kinds of relationships, Anderson says. So, whenever you’re tempted to visit that influencer’s profile, pick up a hobby, go on a walk, phone a (real-life) friend, take a bath, or journal.

And from now on, spend more time meeting people IRL and nourishing your existing connections. “Ultimately, no matter how much intimacy you think you have with someone on social media, you are not building a reciprocal, two-way, real connection,” Anderson says.

It’s also a good idea to limit your time on social media—Gardenswartz recommends spending a max of 40 minutes a day on social media apps. And if you want to go the extra mile, be “conscious of the level of power and control we have to block, unsubscribe, not watch,” Parks says. If you want to experiment with blocking or muting someone’s account, try it for 30 days and monitor how you’re feeling. Your feelings for that time period will also help determine if it’s really adding to your life in a positive or negative way.

Remember, social media isn’t real—it’s just an app on your phone. “It’s really easy to forget that you have the power to not engage in these things because they’re so ever-present,” Parks says. So, the next time you get an urge to Instagram stalk a celeb, go outside and touch some grass.

Source: Women’s Health

Navigating Parent-Teen Dialogues With Compassion

Written by Lauren Lascher. LCSW, GroupTherapyNY

Like their predecessors in prior generations, today’s parents continue to struggle with the challenges of communicating effectively with their teenage children. The common characterization of adolescence as a tumultuous and unpredictable phase, marked by conflict and discord between parent and child, remains prevalent and pertinent, generating angst and frustration for both parties.

This period of development is characterized by a confluence of contrasting and often unacknowledged emotions, such as ambivalence regarding transitions and the inevitability of “growing up.” As a practitioner specializing in the treatment of individuals across various age groups, including adults, adolescents, preadolescents, and children, I frequently observe misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication between parents and adolescents. While a degree of such discord is considered normative and perhaps even necessary for healthy individuation and autonomy, these conflicts and disconnections frequently escalate due to a tendency to personalize the situation rather than adopting a broader perspective.

By acknowledging the multifaceted emotional landscape experienced by both parent and adolescent—encompassing feelings of excitement, apprehension, and anticipation towards the future and new experiences, alongside feelings of fear, loss of control, and nostalgia for childhood—and by validating these dichotomies, parents can foster an environment of grace and compassion for themselves and their child. Periods of profound transformation and adjustment inevitably bring challenges and discomfort—consider the deconstruction that sparks the metamorphosis of the caterpillar in the cocoon.

Outlined below are several strategies for parents to consider when engaging with their adolescent children, aimed at avoiding the combative responses and communication breakdowns commonly encountered in such interactions:

1. Cultivate Curiosity: Approach interactions with adolescents from a stance of gentle curiosity, with a genuine interest in understanding their evolving identities, perspectives, and values. Parents may discover insights previously inaccessible by creating a space conducive to receptive listening.
2. Foster Openness: Avoid patronizing or didactic tones, which often elicit adolescents’ dismissive reactions. Instead, adopt an attitude of receptivity and humility, allowing adolescents to impart information about their own internal and external worlds. This approach can encourage transparency and strengthen connection.
3. Validate Interests: Show genuine interest and appreciation for the child’s pursuits and activities. Parents can establish common ground and foster meaningful connections that transcend generational barriers by engaging with their adolescent’s passions and hobbies.

An anecdote from my clinical practice is illustrative of how effective these strategies can be in fostering openness and facilitating emotional expression. During a therapeutic session with a 16-year-old client who was exhibiting resistance to discussing her feelings and vulnerabilities, I redirected the conversation. She had previously discussed her love of reading and would often read several books weekly. I asked her to tell me about the novel she was reading, a non-threatening avenue for discussion. As we talked about the main character’s dilemma, the shift in focus enabled my client to eventually articulate her feelings in a previously inaccessible manner, underscoring the transformative potential of centering the dialogue with adolescents around their interests and concerns.

Navigating the complexities of parent-adolescent relationships demands creativity, empathy, and self-compassion. By embracing the inherent challenges of this turbulent phase and adopting an attitude of openness and understanding, parents can cultivate a supportive environment conducive to the mutual growth, development—and metamorphosis—of themselves and their adolescent children.

Source: Psychology Today

Brainspotting: A Complement to Talk Therapy

Brainspotting is a therapeutic technique that utilizes the visual field to access and process deep-seated emotions, trauma, and psychological distress. Developed by Dr. David Grand, it involves identifying “brainspots,” eye positions correlating with emotional activation, to facilitate healing and release through the mind-body connection.

Traditional talk therapy serves as the cornerstone of mental health treatment, providing a safe space for clients to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. However, specific individuals may encounter barriers in verbal expression or struggle to access deeply-rooted trauma through conventional means. This is where brainspotting comes in.

By incorporating brainspotting with traditional therapy modalities, practitioners can tap into its non-verbal, body-oriented approach to facilitate healing. Brainspotting’s emphasis on the mind-body connection enables clients to access and process emotions on a visceral level, bypassing the limitations of verbal communication. This can be particularly beneficial for individuals with trauma-related disorders, such as PTSD, where verbalizing traumatic experiences may be challenging or retraumatizing.

Moreover, brainspotting complements other therapeutic techniques by providing a targeted approach to addressing specific emotional triggers and trauma responses. Research supports the efficacy of combining brainspotting with other therapy modalities. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress in 2019 found that integrating brainspotting into treatment protocols for survivors of intimate partner violence significantly reduced symptoms of PTSD and depression. Similarly, a study published in the Journal of Evidence-Based Psychotherapies in 2020 demonstrated that incorporating brainspotting into therapy for individuals with generalized anxiety disorder led to significant reductions in anxiety symptoms and improvements in emotional regulation.

These findings underscore the value of brainspotting as an adjunct therapy in mental health treatment, highlighting its effectiveness in addressing a diverse range of conditions and enhancing overall therapeutic outcomes.

Another advantage of brainspotting as an adjunct therapy is its ability to enhance client engagement and motivation. By incorporating experiential techniques that directly target the body’s physiological response to trauma, brainspotting can provide clients with tangible evidence of progress and empowerment. This hands-on approach fosters a sense of agency and self-efficacy, motivating clients to participate actively in their healing journey.

Additionally, brainspotting’s versatility extends beyond trauma therapy, with applications in performance enhancement, addiction recovery, and stress management. Its non-invasive nature and focus on the brain-body connection make it a promising tool for addressing a wide range of psychological challenges, enhancing overall well-being and personal development.

In conclusion, brainspotting offers a valuable adjunct to traditional therapy modalities, enhancing the depth and effectiveness of mental health treatment. By integrating brainspotting into therapeutic practice, practitioners can address the complex interplay between mind and body, facilitate deeper emotional processing, and empower clients to achieve lasting healing and transformation. As the field of mental health continues to evolve, brainspotting stands out as a powerful tool for supporting clients on their path to recovery.

Written by Cara Gardenswartz Ph.D. for Psychology Today

References

Grand, D. (2019). Brainspotting: Recruiting the midbrain for accessing and healing sensorimotor memories of traumatic activation. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 32(6), 907-922.

Marowitz, A., & Snipes, A. (2020). The effectiveness of brainspotting in the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder: A pilot study. Journal of Evidence-Based Psychotherapies, 20(1), 53-68.

Mental Health Issues in the Workplace

Mental health concerns are increasingly prevalent and impactful in today’s dynamic work environments. Research suggests that one in five adults in the United States experiences a mental health condition each year, making mental health issues a significant concern in the workplace.

It’s essential to recognize the diverse range of conditions that employees may face, including anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Despite the prevalence of these conditions, stigma often shrouds discussions surrounding mental health in the workplace, hindering individuals from seeking necessary support and accommodations.

Addressing Specific Mental Health Diagnoses in the Workplace

Understanding and addressing specific mental health diagnoses can significantly enhance support mechanisms within the workplace. Here’s how employers can tailor resources to address common mental health conditions:

1. Anxiety Disorders:
   • Offer stress management workshops or seminars on relaxation techniques and coping strategies tailored for anxiety.
   • Provide access to mental health apps designed to manage anxiety symptoms, such as Headspace or Calm.
   • Establish flexible work arrangements or accommodations to support employees experiencing anxiety-related challenges, such as remote work options or adjusted deadlines.
2. Depression:
   • Implement mental health training programs for managers to recognize signs of depression and provide appropriate support and referrals.
   • Foster open communication about mental health struggles, creating a culture of empathy and understanding.
   • Offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that include confidential counseling services for employees dealing with depression.
3. Bipolar Disorder:
   • Educate employees about the symptoms and treatment options for bipolar disorder to reduce stigma and misconceptions.
   • Provide flexibility in work schedules to accommodate mood fluctuations, ensuring employees have the support they need during manic or depressive episodes.
   • Ensure managers are trained to provide appropriate accommodations and support to employees with bipolar disorder.
4. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):
   • Offer workshops focusing on time management and organizational skills to support employees with ADHD in improving productivity.
   • Implement strategies such as task prioritization and clear communication to help employees manage symptoms effectively.
   • Consider workplace accommodations, such as noise-canceling headphones or flexible work hours, to create an environment conducive to focus and productivity.
5. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
   • Provide trauma-informed training for managers and colleagues to foster a supportive environment for employees with PTSD.
   • Offer accommodations such as modified work schedules or additional breaks to support individuals experiencing PTSD symptoms.
   • Ensure workplace policies are sensitive to potential triggers, prioritizing employee safety and well-being.
6. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD):
   • Provide training sessions to increase awareness and understanding of ASD among employees and managers.
   • Offer resources such as informational materials and online courses to educate staff about the strengths and challenges associated with ASD.
   • Implement workplace accommodations tailored to the specific needs of employees with ASD, such as flexible work schedules and sensory-friendly environments.
   • Foster open communication channels to ensure employees with ASD understand tasks and expectations.
   • Encourage coworkers to offer support and understanding, fostering a culture of inclusivity and acceptance.

As mental health professionals, it’s imperative to advocate for comprehensive support mechanisms that address the diverse needs of employees in the workplace. Research indicates that workplace mental health interventions, such as training and employee assistance programs, are associated with improved employee well-being and job performance. By providing targeted resources and accommodations, employers can create an environment where all employees feel valued and supported in prioritizing their mental well-being. A culture of empathy, understanding, and support can ultimately benefit the entire workplace community.

Navigating Borderline Personality Disorder in the Workplace

Learn strategies for effective collaboration.

Sarah, a valued member of her work team, became fixated on a particular design element and insisted on implementing it, disregarding input from her colleagues. When the team expressed concerns about the feasibility of her approach, Sarah became defensive and accused them of undermining her creativity. The disagreement escalated into a heated argument, disrupting the workflow and causing tension within the team.

Another time, Sarah impulsively decided to change the entire project direction without consulting the team, causing confusion and frustration among colleagues. Sarah’s interactions in the workplace sometimes lead to challenges that affect team dynamics and productivity. Understanding how to navigate these challenges with empathy and effective strategies is essential for fostering a positive work environment.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):

A borderline personality disorder is a multifaceted mental health condition characterized by intense emotions, difficulty regulating mood, and struggles in maintaining stable relationships. Individuals with BPD may experience fears of abandonment, exhibit impulsive behavior, and navigate through rapid mood swings.

Sarah’s experiences highlight how BPD traits can manifest in professional settings, leading to conflicts and disruptions within teams. Fixations on specific ideas, impulsive decision-making, and emotional volatility can undermine collaboration and productivity.

In a professional setting, the features of BPD can manifest in ways that may initially be challenging to comprehend. Unpredictable emotions, intense reactions, and a fear of rejection can influence interactions, potentially affecting team dynamics and productivity. While it’s essential to approach people with BPD with empathy and patience, setting appropriate boundaries is also crucial for maintaining a healthy work environment for the entire team.

Strategies for Dealing with BPD in the Workplace:

1. Foster Open Communication:

Establishing clear and open lines of communication is crucial for promoting transparency and encouraging individuals to express their thoughts and concerns freely. A workplace culture that values communication can facilitate understanding and collaboration among team members.

2. Practice Empathy:

Recognizing the emotional challenges faced by individuals with BPD and approaching interactions with empathy is critical. Understanding their emotional experiences may influence their responses can foster a supportive and inclusive work environment.

3. Set Clear Boundaries:

Define and communicate boundaries respectfully to maintain a stable work environment. Clear boundaries help manage expectations and prevent conflicts, creating a more harmonious workplace.

4. Educate the Team:

Dispelling misconceptions about BPD and promoting compassion and understanding through education is essential. Increasing awareness of the challenges associated with this condition can foster empathy and improve team dynamics.

5. Seek Professional Guidance:

If workplace dynamics become challenging to manage internally, consider involving human resources seeking professional mediation. Psychologists and counselors can provide valuable support and guidance in facilitating constructive communication and conflict resolution, ensuring a positive work environment for all team members.

By implementing these strategies and fostering a supportive workplace culture, teams can effectively navigate the challenges associated with BPD and promote collaboration, productivity, and overall well-being among team members.

Written by Cara Gardenswartz Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Apology Analysis 101

A blueprint for identifying true sincerity and healing relationships.

By Dr. Cara Gardenswartz & Nancy Sweeney, CLC

The power of an apology resides not only in its words but in the sincerity behind them. Yet, distinguishing a genuine apology from one that masks manipulative tactics, often associated with gaslighting, can be challenging. In this exploration, we delve into the intricacies of discerning the authenticity of apologies, offering insights into key indicators and real-world examples.

Identifying Sincerity

1. Ownership and Accountability:

A sincere apology begins with the person acknowledging the harm caused and accepting responsibility for it. Look for language that reflects a genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing without deflecting blame onto external factors.

Example: “I made a mistake, and I take responsibility for the impact it had on you.”
​​

2. Empathy and Understanding:

A genuine apology conveys empathy by demonstrating an understanding of the emotional impact on the other person. Pay attention to expressions of empathy that go beyond a mere acknowledgment of the action.

Example: “I can imagine how my words hurt you, and I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused.

3. Concrete Plans for Change:

Sincere apologies are accompanied by a commitment to change behavior. Look for indications that the person is actively working toward rectifying the situation and preventing a recurrence.

Example: “I am taking steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again, such as seeking counseling to address my behavior.”

Detecting Gaslighting Apologies

1. Deflection and Blame-Shifting:

Gaslighting apologies often involve deflecting blame or shifting responsibility onto the person receiving the apology. Be cautious if the focus is on justifying actions rather than acknowledging the impact.

Example: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you need to understand I had no choice.”

2. Minimization of the Offense:

Gaslighting apologies downplay the severity of the actions, minimizing the impact on the other person. Watch for language that diminishes the significance of the behavior.

Example: “It was just a joke; you’re being overly sensitive.”

3. Denial or Amnesia:

Gaslighters may deny the occurrence of specific events or conveniently claim memory lapses. If the apology includes denial of certain actions or selective forgetfulness, proceed with caution.

Example: “I have no recollection of saying that; you must be misremembering.”

4. Conditional Apologies:

Gaslighters may attach conditions to their apologies, demanding something in return for expressing remorse. If the apology comes with strings attached, it may indicate manipulation.

Example: “I’m sorry, but only if you promise not to bring this up again.”

Transitioning from Apology to Positive Actions

When someone extends a sincere, heartfelt apology, it can be an act of vulnerability and courage that can reshape the dynamics of the relationship. However, an apology can also be a technique used to skirt issues and continue relationships without changes to the status quo. If you are going to accept an apology and keep someone in your life, there are numerous things you will need to do in order to ensure your health and personal integrity.

1. Balance Acceptance with Vigilance: When faced with an apology, the natural inclination may be to accept it graciously and reset the relationship. However, acceptance should not be mistaken for the end of the journey. Instead, it marks the beginning of a vigilant observation of the offender’s behavior. It becomes our responsibility to watch for tangible changes that demonstrate a genuine commitment to growth and transformation.
2. Analyze Sincerity and Changed Behavior: It’s important to recognize that not all apologies are created equal. Some individuals may only express remorse when confronted, using apologies as a temporary shield against repercussions. This creates an illusion of change, a brief respite until the cycle repeats. As recipients, we must be discerning, understanding that actions speak louder than words. Consider the case of someone who consistently apologizes for the same transgressions without genuine efforts to amend their behavior. These apologies may serve as a mere Band-Aid, concealing deeper issues. In contrast, genuine change is reflected in consistent efforts to rectify mistakes, implement corrective actions, and cultivate personal growth.
3. Healthy Boundaries: Maintaining healthy boundaries is paramount in the aftermath of an apology. Establish Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations for future behavior. Communicating expectations and holding the other person accountable fosters an environment where apologies are not just words but catalysts for genuine transformation.
4. Trust Your Instincts: Pay attention to your gut feelings. If something feels off or inconsistent, trust your instincts. Your emotional response can provide valuable cues about the sincerity of an apology. If you’re uncertain about the sincerity of an apology or suspect gaslighting tactics, seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional. External perspectives can offer clarity and guidance.

Conclusion:

Receiving a sincere apology is a rare and profound experience, but it’s only the beginning of the healing process. Embracing gratitude while maintaining a vigilant eye on changed behavior is the key to navigating the aftermath. In this delicate dance of forgiveness and vigilance, we become architects of stronger, more resilient connections. The most effective approach to handling an apology involves a blend of trusting your instincts, applying the provided tips, and seeking support.

Source:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-discomfort-zone/202401/apology-analysis-101

Navigating Negativity – Expert Tips For Brighter Days Ahead

Politics. Inflation. Climate change. Shootings. Fires. Disasters. We’re living in a 24/7 news cycle that can seem like a never-ending loop of distressing events and overwhelming problems. It’s important to stay informed, of course. But with so much to worry about, it’s hard not to get consumed.

Now add shorter days, colder weather and the December holidays, which for many can be a stressful and even isolating time of year. Combined, it’s the perfect storm for winter blues. The good news is there are proactive methods of buffering yourself from feeling down. We spoke with two experts about the best ways to keep our spirits up and prevent negativity from getting us down.

Read the full article…

Undiagnosed: Women on the Spectrum

During Thanksgiving dinner, Beth’s aunt asked her how she was enjoying college. This seemingly innocent question triggered Beth’s discomfort and prompted her to abruptly exit the room. Beth is frequently misunderstood by her family, who have labeled her as “difficult,” “angry,” and “aloof.” Her relatives have gossiped that Beth’s parents should have taught her to be more socially appropriate. No one, including Beth’s parents, ever asked the question: “Might Beth be on the spectrum?” Why? Well, she never looked like her cis-gender male cousin who, at 6 years old, was throwing temper tantrums, getting in trouble at school, and knew the number of floors in every major skyscraper in the world.

Click here to read the full article.

What Is ‘Marriage Language,’ And Can It Actually Be Good For Your Relationship?

I, a grown woman with a career and an apartment, still refer to supermarket-bought parmesan as “shaky cheese.” It’s a nickname from childhood that has stuck for some reason. As a result, my significant other, because they are wonderful, always asks if I would like shaky cheese over my pasta. Don’t worry, it’s not a term we use at nice restaurants. In private, however, it’s shaky cheese.

Thanks to TikTok, I’ve recently learned we’re speaking “marriage language.” With over 33 million views and counting, #MarriageLanguage is TikTok’s latest viral relationship challenge. But the real question is: can “marriage language” actually be good for your relationship?

Find out!

Unlocking the Power of Biofeedback for Stress Management

In today’s fast-paced world, stress and anxiety have become all too familiar companions. The constant pressure to meet deadlines, maintain social connections, and stay productive can take a toll on our mental and physical well-being. However, there is a powerful tool that is gaining traction in the realm of self-improvement and stress management: biofeedback. In this post, we will explore the concept of biofeedback, its applications, and how it can help us better understand and regulate the mind-body connection.

Click here to read the full article.

Are Beige Flags A Real Thing? The Social Media Term, Explained

At a traffic light, different color signals tell you whether to keep moving: Green means go for it, red means hit the brakes. What you do about the yellow light in the middle, however, is pretty much your call, depending on the kind of driver you are. Now substitute the word “yellow” with “beige,” and you’ve got TikTok’s latest dating term: the beige flag.

If red flags are warning signs and green flags are turn-ons, beige flags are the yellow traffic lights of relationships—characteristics in someone that might not be dealbreakers, but are just strange enough to make you slow down, take notice, and consider your options. You might find them hilarious, endearing, eyebrow-raising, irritating, or so utterly peculiar that they leave you speechless.

Read the full article at Women’s Health.

8 Expert Tips to Anticipate and Cope With Bipolar Mood Swings

If you have bipolar disorder, you’ve experienced mood episodes (sometimes called mood swings) — marked by shifts from a neutral mood to depression or mania.

Mood episodes can happen for many reasons. Sometimes there’s no clear trigger. Other times they can be easily traced to poor sleep or overuse of alcohol.

What mood episodes have in common is that they cause you to act in ways you ordinarily wouldn’t. And sometimes, if the mood episode is not managed quickly, it can damage relationships, cause problems at work, harm your physical health, drain your finances, or even lead to suicide, according to the Mayo Clinic.

Fortunately, mental health professionals have identified several steps you can take to have fewer mood episodes and help you cope if one occurs. Click here to learn the eight proven strategies to try.

How to avoid family fights about money

If you don’t want money issues to come between you and your family, it’s important to prepare yourself for them ahead of time. We’ll run through the primary ways money causes problems in families, along with strategies to ensure it never becomes an issue in your family.

Click here to read the full article.

Grounding Techniques to Interrupt Dissociation

Day-to-day dissociation is problematic.  Click here to learn how to disrupt the process.

Cara Gardenswartz on Dry January on NBC

How to Provide Concierge Therapy

Concierge medicine, conceived in the 1990s, is a type of medical practice where patients pay an annual or monthly fixed fee or “retainer” to ensure more attention, contact, and thoroughness from their doctors. Another term that is used for a concierge medical practice is a “boutique practice.”

Regardless of the name, patients utilizing concierge therapy may be able to obtain quicker appointments and more personalized treatment. Recently, concierge psychology has become popular, and I have chosen to move to a concierge psychology practice. Practically, this means that I work with a limited number of patients (compared to 10 or 12 back-to-back appointments a day) and am able to give my full attention to all of my patients without the risk of burnout.

The Concierge Therapist–Patient Relationship

Here are a few examples of concierge patients.

Jane* has debilitating depression. She has worn out her support system (husband, friends, family) with negative perseverating thoughts. Our daily check-in (sometimes 15 minutes, other times 1 hour) helps her get through each day while waiting for her scheduled electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) at a local hospital to begin. After Jane completes ECT, which she found successful nearly two decades prior, she will require less contact with me to “get by” but for now, she relies on my carrying the hope that her depression will lift.

I met Margot* when I interviewed her for one of my therapy groups. When she mentioned in a group session that she woke up on a Sunday morning with her body bruised, her clothes ripped off, and no memory of the event, I was clearly concerned about her drinking and substance use, in addition to her mental health and judgement. I asked if we could meet individually. In the individual sessions that followed, I used motivational interviewing techniques that allowed her to determine that her drinking, while a pleasant escape for a moment, was harming her life and her future. Our month of check-ins (approximately four times a week) and appointments ultimately led to her decision to seek residential treatment. Margot never had addiction treatment before even though she had been in therapy for years. Her addiction was directly related to her inability to cope with life’s challenges due to parents who were both neglectful (didn’t parent) and also destructive (narcissistic addicts themselves). She had no reason to trust people, yet she came around. Our continued and frequent contact and connection was truly curative. This client has now been sober for 6 months; her first sober period since early adolescence.

Sally* is challenged by indecision. I see her for weekly appointments, but we also communicate almost daily via email because she gets stuck vacillating between different options on small tasks, impeding her in a number of roles, including motherhood and career. While I do not provide written answers or solutions, I do remind her of something easily forgotten when she is anxious: every time we say no to something, we are saying yes to something else, and every time we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else. Therefore, some feeling of loss in with every decision is normal and doesn’t mean her past or current decisions are wrong.

The Concierge Psychology Model

Access

In the concierge model, psychologists aim to return calls and emails quickly (eg, within 2 hours), and their availability includes weekends and holidays (often 7 days a week). They offer same or next-day appointments virtually, by phone, or in-person when possible.

Concierge psychologists also provide direct access to an assistant or billing manager to help clients with any billing or insurance-related issues. I personally keep one slot open daily to squeeze in my clients for additional sessions as needed.

Fees

Unlike concierge medicine, concierge psychology does not usually have a retainer fee. Instead, the session rates are higher than traditional single psychological sessions. For instance, instead of charging between $150 and $300 for a 45- or 60-minute session, the fee might be closer to $350 and $550, depending on the location and cost of living. Quick emails and check-in calls are not billed.

Quality

Because concierge psychologists purposefully limit how many patients they work with, they can spend time outside of the session reflecting on the patient’s case and staying current with the field; this enables them to bring the highest quality of work into their sessions with the patient. In my case, teaching psychology graduate students keeps me up in the loop with new research and changes in the field and practice of psychology. I also spend significant time involved with various national and international psychology organizations.

Care Team Collaboration

Concierge psychologists make the time and have the desire to invest in collaborating with other care providers to help patients reach their goals. Like me, they might have expertise in leading interdisciplinary teams and act as a treatment team leader to coordinate care or just be a helpful team member available for consultations. I provide medical and other professional referrals frequently to my patients.

In my experience, the patients who benefit the most from concierge psychology include those with debilitating mood disorders (eg, severe depression, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression), substance use disorder, borderline personality disorder, or extreme anxiety (including obsessive compulsive disorder). Individuals with histories of being abused or neglected also benefit from more care and contact—they get to have an experience in which they are seen, and their needs are attended to, like Margot, perhaps for the first time in their lives.

Downside of Concierge Psychology

Most people cannot afford concierge services. Some therapists, like myself, offer pro-bono slots but these are hard to get.

Why I Shifted to Concierge Psychology

I decided to offer concierge sessions based on my experience that change does not always wait for an appointment time. My desire to provide extra support in between sessions is not for all therapists. Many of my colleagues prefer to have their weekends and evenings (or mornings) off for self-care.

For me, self-care is limiting the number of patients I work with in turn I get to participate in meaningful therapeutic relationships that are change-oriented. A few lessons I’ve learned along the path:

• A flat fee does not make sense for psychologists (unlike physicians) because patients would be receiving unlimited services without receiving proper payment
• Keep low-fee patients at their existing rates to maintain therapeutic relationship while still providing them concierge service; I have found this to be crucial to my sense of loyalty and relative fairness. I feel the same way about providing pro-bono slots.
• Truly limit number of patients to prevent burnout
• Really be available and engaged on weekends

Overall, concierge psychology provides a unique opportunity to help patients develop into their healthiest selves.

*All identifying details have been changed

Original article available at Psycom Pro

Couple Therapy: What 3 Main Problems Can Therapy Help With?

According to John Gottman, an American psychotherapist and founder of The Gottman Institute, usually couples wait for six years before going to their first couple therapy. Approximately 50 percent of married couples, that were addressed to a therapist, solve relationship difficulties. To our opinion, there is no reason to wait 6 years, if the couple has problems, but would like to continue their relationship, it is strictly recommended to ask for qualified help. So 3 practicing couple therapists kindly agreed to contribute their wisdom about What 3 Main Problems Can Therapy Help With?

Cara Gardenswartz, Ph.D. founded Group Therapy LA in 2001, a diversified practice treating individuals, couples, children and groups. In addition to managing a clinical practice, Cara actively consults with media as part of APA’s Media Referral Services. Cara completed her BA at University of Pennsylvania and her Doctorate in Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles where she has taught abnormal Psychology, conducted empirical research and published in academic journals.

Couple Therapy: What 3 Main Problems Can Therapy Help With?

1. Problems with Communication

   Communication breakdowns can include, blaming each other, shutting off/avoiding conversations, arguing, using a loud tone, and lack of eye contact. Negative communication can leave one partner feeling depressed, insecure, and disregarded. Sometimes it’s hard for couples to know how to talk to each other, especially when 1 or both people feel like they are being misunderstood. A couple’s therapist can teach the couple how to effectively communicate from the heart and mind

2. Emotional Distance

   Emotional needs are met when the couple can provide each other with a sense of comfort, security, understanding, and love. Some couples after years of partnership/marriage stop engaging with each other. The couple can even feel like they are in a business relationship and push down their needs while feeling lonely. Couples therapy can be helpful in identifying what needs are most important and ways the couple can meet each other’s needs. Couples therapy can help the couple.

3. Family of Origin Trauma

   Traumatic experiences during adulthood further complicate and challenge couples’ capacities for creating a secure, intimate connection. Strategies that were adaptive in childhood (due to trauma) can contribute significantly to patterns that now increase interpersonal distress. Partners’ behaviors, even those intended to be comforting, may trigger traumatic memories and defensive reactions. Even though most couples therapy models do not consider the impact that unresolved traumas have on a couple/ In trauma-informed couples therapy couples learn about their partner’s history and his/her coping skills that ensued. And seeing how those coping skills. lead to current distress in their partnership. When couples see the bigger picture, they can see new ways to repair rifts, rebuild trust, and re-develop and strengthen communication.

Read the full article here.

The Newlywed Catch-22: Why The First Year Of Marriage Is So Tough

Dr. Cara Gardenswartz shared valuable insights on what are the misconceptions of “happily ever after”.  Click here to read the full article.

The History of Bipolar: Through the Ages—It’s Been There

Medical science in the digital age continues to move forward in search of broader understanding and better treatments to manage bipolar, now with patients as active partners in maintaining their stability.

Click here to read the full article.

Should Psychotherapy Be Considered in Treatment-Resistant Depression?

Controlling Mother? Tips to Ease the Tension

Is disorganization a sign of deeper emotional issues?

How to Handle Social Distancing Disagreements With Your Family During the Holidays

Will Coronavirus Infect Your Marriage? (Psychology Today)

This Is How Adult Children of Alcoholics Can Thrive

As an adult, you can’t go back in time and force your caregivers to make the right choices. However, you can seek treatment and advocate recovery no matter your age. Read more at: The Doctor Weighs In

9 Types of Depression You Didn’t Know You Could Have

People don’t realize that depression can take many forms. Learn more about 9 types of depression at THE Healthy.

CNBC – Kate Spade Suicide: Uncovering gender’s role in mental illness diagnosis and treatment

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on the role of gender in depression and bipolar disorder. CNBC – read here.

US report: Suri’s ‘secret plea to missing dad Tom Cruise’

Dr. Gardenswartz spoke to Star about the psychological effects of Tom’s decision. Read more

The History of Bipolar Disorder

Dr Gardenswartz spoke about the history of bipolar disorder for bphope.

Is it ever OK to Lie to your Children?

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on the value of being honest with your kids for the Huffington Post

CBS News Segment

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on the marital issues surrounding Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy & Physical Health

Dr. Cara Gardenswartz’s published article on empirical research along with Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Gregory Buchanan, at the University of Pennsylvania in the American Psychological Association Journal – Prevention & Treatment.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on the affects of growing up with an addicted parent at WebMD.

A decade of deceit

Working Mom Guilt

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on “quality” over “quantity” time for working moms with their children for Parenting Magazine.

You Can’t Fire Your Kids: In Pictures

Why do you get respect at the office but your children won’t give you the time of day? Use working mother know-how and transfer those hard-won workplace skills to family life. Read more at Working Mother.

Parenting: Benefits of Structure

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on using “office” strategies with your kids at home for Working Mother Magazine.

Explaining Loss of a Job to your Child

Dr. Gardenswartz suggests comments on reassuring children during life transitions for ABC News.

Teen pregnancy

Dr. Gardenswartz spoke to the The Philadelphia Inquirer about Bristol Palin’s appearance at the National Teen Pregnancy Awareness Day. Read the article here.

Depression and Risky Behavior

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on self-destructive behavior- how it may accompany depression, and what to do about it for WebMD.

Chris Brown Pulls Out of Kids’ Choice Awards

Psychologist Cara Gardenswartz, an expert for Momlogic.com, questioned Nickelodeon’s decision to keep Brown on the ballot. Read the full article here.

Their 30-minute Appointment

DR. PAUL WESTON looks normal. He lives in a nice house, where his patients come for therapy. He listens, he zeros in on their problem, he walks them to the door. But underneath, as viewers of HBO’s “In Treatment” know by now, he might have as many — or more — problems than his patients.

One real-life patient said he relates to the show’s patients and compared his emotional growth favorably, said Beverly Hills therapist Cara Gardenswartz. “He is able to see objectively . . . what they are unable to see,” she said. Others have introduced a personal issue indirectly by referring to one of the patients’ issues.

Read the full article

Keep one-night flings from becoming next-day disasters

Should you do it with someone you like or not?  Find out here.

Love don’t come easy

Is there a ‘soul mate’? Read what Dr. Gardenswartz says for TangoMag. Read here

The wiseguys who shot up the TV scene

‘The Sopranos’ came, conquered and leaves an indelible mark on the medium and a culture.

BY the time academics started to publish essays like “Stripper Iconography and Sex Worker Feminism on The Sopranos,” it was apparent HBO’s drama about an anxious, brutal, suburban mob boss might be more than just a TV show.

Since the show launched eight years ago, the cable network’s upscale audience bought up “Sopranos” bowling shirts and cookbooks, joined in conspiracy-filled “Sopranos” Internet sites, took pole dancing lessons and started speaking in Sopranoisms (“whacked,” “all due respect”). At its peak in 2004, “The Sopranos” had 14.4 million viewers per episode. And HBO sold the show in 2005 in a record syndication deal to A&E that earlier this year started introducing “The Sopranos” to millions of new viewers.

In their many anthologies, the academics tried to explain the phenomenon: “The Sopranos” represented shifts in masculine identity. It was about the American family in the 21st century, American consumption, class in America. It diminished Italian Americans, it honored Italian Americans. It overflowed with psychotherapeutic and philosophical insights.

The show, created by David Chase, in part to exorcise the formidable maternal presence in his own life, “had a seismic effect on the whole culture,” said director Peter Bogdanovich, reflecting the tone of commentators who reached for superlatives to lavish on the series. On a smaller scale, Bogdanovich, who plays a therapist’s therapist on the series, said the show renewed a professional identity for him as an actor.

Even producer and well-known industry cynic Gavin Polone admitted sheepishly that he had only praise for the show. “It’s the only show on television that I’ve seen every episode,” he said.

However, the more enduring legacy of “The Sopranos” is surely on TV itself. “It has been in many ways a creative game changer for television,” said television historian and author Tim Brooks. “That had never happened before with a program seen by less than a third of the country.” Though initially turned down by several broadcast networks, “The Sopranos” became “a shining example of how a show that has that kind of violence, sexuality and language wins Emmys and gets enormous acclaim can allow commercial broadcasters to go much further,” he said. “The Sopranos” roughened the tonality of much of television. Advertisers remained leery, but extreme violence and more explicit sexuality became increasingly common in broadcast and basic cable “chalk line” shows — crime procedurals such as the “CSI” franchise, “Criminal Minds” and “Without a Trace.” For broadcasters, the appeal of “The Sopranos” was less about its viewership, though considerable, and more about “what you could get away with,” Brooks said.

As the epic series starts its final final season tonight — its first final season aired last year after a 21-month hiatus — some viewers have tired of the long goodbye. But for die-hards, how the show ends — who gets whacked, who sings, what happens to Tony Soprano — will, it is hoped, tell what it was all about and, in the sense of a good novel, who we are.

All Chase would say in an interview is that from the start he wanted to avoid the “rise and fall,” crime-doesn’t-pay paradigm of traditional Mafia stories. “Tony and Carmela are aware, intelligent adults,” he said. “They know what they’ve done, and they’ll have to live — or die — with the decisions they’ve made.”

**
Tony Soprano: “I came in at the end. The best is over.”
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: “Many Americans, I think, feel that way.”
**

THE genius of “The Sopranos,” analysts agree, is its everyday ordinariness. Viewers identify with Tony, a brooding second-generation Mafioso leader who tries to live a normal suburban family life while managing a corrupt and violent “waste management” business from offices at the Bada Bing! strip club. He is rich, successful, self-indulgent and miserable.

When Tony can’t live up to the gravitas of the mythical Corleones, he suffers panic attacks and winds up in a new relationship — with a therapist. He yearns to be a self-made man and live a life based on codes of conduct, but those days have long gone. “He wants to be Don Corleone but keeps finding himself Homer Simpson,” said Robert Thompson, a professor of media and pop culture at Syracuse University.

Soprano’s mob family continued “the Martin Scorsese world view” but raised questions about its masculinity, said Toby Miller, director of the program in film and visual culture at UC Riverside. Tony is “in a sense laughable, pitiable. He’s hyper-violent, but prone to sadness and remorse….It’s that emptiness at the core that comes out in Tony no matter how much he races around with his friends, has relationships with women, returns to his family or undergoes therapy,” he said. “The psychoanalytic segments, as well as the inability to be straightforward with his wife, bring out that vulnerability that is the flip side of the violence and power.”

Male bonding and familial hierarchy help palliate his “terrible cosmic doubts” about his masculinity, Miller said.

And that proscribed way of life held an appeal beyond the screen. At a particular restaurant in Paterson, N.J., he said, “Sopranos” cast members would gather and “people would go there to see them eat. They would be treated by people in their characters and they would operate in their characters.”

Week after week, fans could enter that world to catch up with the characters in what amounted to an 80-hour movie. More than with film characters, viewers became familiar with the intimate details of the characters’ lives, feelings and moral conflicts.

Despite the violence, “the core of the program is about a dysfunctional family and a guy who has a lot of emotional baggage, as does his wife,” Brooks said. “There are whole scenes with Tony and Carmela just eating spaghetti, no dialogue, just looking at each other. The whole thing with Christopher and Tony — he’s loyal, then maybe he isn’t, yet he’s family, so you gotta love him, or trust him. For an upscale, thoughtful and intellectual audience, that can be heady stuff.”

“Soprano” references sprang up — in crime reports, therapy sessions and tough talk across the country. In 2003, a 20-year-old Riverside student claimed to have copied an idea he saw on “The Sopranos” after he killed his abusive mother, cut off her head and hands and dumped her body alongside an Orange County roadway.

Milder effects of the show have surfaced among therapists’ clients. Beverly Hills psychologist Cara Gardenswartz said some of her patients have identified Tony’s anxiety symptoms in themselves. Others, noticing that the fictional Dr. Melfi talked about Tony in her personal therapy sessions, asked Gardenswartz whether she had a therapist.

The American Psychoanalytic Assn. took the show seriously enough to honor Lorraine Bracco, the actress who plays Dr. Melfi and who published an autobiography about her own battle with clinical depression. A few years ago, Gardenswartz was able to earn credits through a Dr. Melfi-based workshop in which the psychologists watched episodes of “The Sopranos” and analyzed them. To her mind, Dr. Melfi hasn’t always been firm enough with her boundaries, but she has interpreted Tony’s actions well.

“This is someone who is severely disturbed,” she said. “He doesn’t really have the motivation to change.”

By Lynn Smith, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

Stay-at-home moms organize Magnolia club

Dr. Gardenswartz on status of being a working mom. Read the article here.

Moms: Work or Stay at Home?

Dr. Gardenswartz comments on the struggle between being a working mom or stay-at-home mom in WebMD.

Bipolar Disorder

Dr. Gardenswartz offers Bipolar Magazine historical information on the disease at Bipolar Magazine.

Dating your partner

Read the article here.

Our Time is Up

Dr. Gardenswartz is the technical consultant for this Oscar Nominated Short Film “Our Time is Up“.

Prevention of Panic

Dr. Cara Gardenswartz, along with Dr. Michelle Craske, developed a prevention program for Panic Disorder at UCLA. Their empirical research was published in BehaviorTherapy. Read more at: Prevention of Panic Disorder