Assessing Relationship Compatibility: The 80-20 Rule

Finding a partner who aligns with your values and goals can be challenging. While no relationship is perfect, understanding what truly matters to you and assessing your compatibility with your partner can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership. Enter the “80-20 Rule,” a practical framework designed to help individuals evaluate the suitability of their partners by focusing on the qualities that matter most.

The 80-20 Rule is not about finding a perfect match but about recognizing the essential traits that create a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. By identifying and prioritizing these qualities, you can gain clarity on what makes your relationship strong and where there may be room for growth. This approach encourages a realistic view of relationships, acknowledging that some differences are natural and can be opportunities for mutual understanding and personal growth.

The 80-20 Rule Explained

The 80-20 Rule involves identifying and ranking the essential qualities that matter most in a partner. By assigning point values to each quality, individuals can measure how closely their partners align with their expectations. An 80 percent alignment is the benchmark for compatibility, providing a clear indication of a strong foundation.

Identifying Your Core Values with ACT

Before applying the 80-20 Rule, it’s crucial to understand what values are most important to you in a relationship. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides a powerful framework for identifying these values. Here’s how you can use an ACT values worksheet to guide your reflection:

Step 1: Explore Different Life Domains

Consider different areas of your life and how values play a significant role in each. Reflect on the following domains:

• Family and Relationships: What qualities do you value most in your family and friendships? Consider values like loyalty, trust, and support.
• Career and Work: What drives your professional life and ambitions? Think about values such as achievement, creativity, and collaboration.
• Personal Growth: How important are learning, creativity, and self-improvement to you? Values here might include curiosity, resilience, and growth.
• Health and Well-being: What matters most regarding your physical and mental health? Consider values like balance, self-care, and vitality.
• Community and Environment: How important are community involvement and environmental responsibility to you? Reflect on values such as service, sustainability, and justice.

Step 2: Identify Core Values

For each life domain, list specific values that resonate with you. Here is a comprehensive list of ACT values you might consider:

• Acceptance: Embracing yourself and others without judgment.
• Accountability: Taking responsibility for your actions and decisions.
• Adventure: Seeking new experiences and challenges.
• Authenticity: Being true to yourself and your beliefs.
• Balance: Maintaining a healthy equilibrium between work, relationships, and personal time.
• Compassion: Showing kindness and empathy toward others.
• Courage: Facing fears and challenges with bravery.
• Creativity: Expressing yourself through artistic or innovative endeavors.
• Curiosity: Having a desire to learn and explore.
• Dependability: Being reliable and trustworthy.
• Empathy: Understanding and being sensitive to others’ feelings.
• Family: Prioritizing and valuing family connections.
• Flexibility: Being open to change and adapting to new situations.
• Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and resentments.
• Freedom: Valuing independence and autonomy.
• Friendship: Cultivating meaningful relationships with others.
• Generosity: Being willing to give and share with others.
• Gratitude: Appreciating what you have and expressing thankfulness.
• Health: Prioritizing physical and mental well-being.
• Honesty: Being truthful and transparent in all interactions.
• Humility: Recognizing your limitations and valuing others’ contributions.
• Independence: Having autonomy and freedom to make your own choices.
• Integrity: Acting according to your moral and ethical principles.
• Intimacy: Connecting deeply with others emotionally and physically.
• Justice: Valuing fairness and equality for all.
• Kindness: Treating others with compassion and respect.
• Learning: Continuously seeking knowledge and personal growth.
• Loyalty: Being faithful and committed to people and principles.
• Mindfulness: Being present and aware of your thoughts and feelings.
• Patience: Being tolerant and understanding, especially in challenging situations.
• Perseverance: Persisting in the face of adversity and challenges.
• Respect: Valuing others’ opinions and boundaries.
• Responsibility: Being accountable for your actions and decisions.
• Self-Care: Prioritizing your own well-being and health.
• Service: Contributing to the welfare of others and the community.
• Spirituality: Connecting with something greater than yourself.
• Trust: Building and maintaining trust with others.
• Wisdom: Applying knowledge and experience to make sound decisions.

Use the ACT worksheet to brainstorm and write down values that are meaningful to you.

Step 3: Prioritize Your Values

Once you have identified your values, prioritize them based on their importance to you. Determine which values are non-negotiable in a relationship and which are flexible. This step helps you focus on what truly matters and sets the stage for evaluating your partner.

Step 4: Reflect on Your Relationship

Consider how these values manifest in your current relationship. Which values are already being met, and which ones need more attention? This reflection will provide a clearer picture of your relationship’s strengths and areas for growth.

Applying the 80-20 Rule: A Case Study

Let’s explore how one client, whom we’ll call Amanda, applied the 80-20 Rule to assess her husband, Scott. Amanda identified specific attributes that were important to her and assigned point values to each. The total potential score is 100 points, allowing for a straightforward evaluation. Here’s how Amanda scored Scott:

1. Communication (10 points): Scott expresses himself openly, listens actively, and engages in meaningful conversations.
   • Score: 9/10
2. Trust (15 points): Scott consistently demonstrates honesty and integrity.
   • Score: 13/15
3. Shared Values (12 points): Amanda and Scott closely align on essential aspects like family, career, and life goals.
   • Score: 12/12
4. Respect (8 points): Scott respects Amanda’s opinions but doesn’t always fully respect her boundaries.
   • Score: 4/8
5. Compatibility (10 points): Amanda and Scott share interests and lifestyle choices.
   • Score: 10/10
6. Empathy (10 points): Scott demonstrates moderate empathy.
   • Score: 6/10
7. Commitment (15 points): Scott is fully dedicated to the relationship and somewhat dedicated to relationship development.
   • Score: 13/15
8. Intimacy (10 points): Scott is generous with physical touch, which is crucial for Amanda, but he avoids sex.
   • Score: 6/10
9. Financial Stability (5 points): Scott contributes financially and is the primary earner.
   • Score: 5/5
10. Independence (5 points): Scott respects Amanda’s need for independence, though he can be a bit needy when she is busy.
    • Score: 3/5

• Total Score: 81/100

Understanding the 80-20 Benchmark

The 80-20 Rule suggests that a partner scoring 80 points or more indicates a solid foundation for a relationship. The remaining 20% represents differences and serves as a reminder that perfection is unrealistic. Recognizing that not every quality will be a perfect match allows individuals to approach the 20% gap with realism and openness. It’s normal to have aspects that don’t align, making communication and collaboration essential for addressing concerns and fostering mutual understanding.

What If a Partner Scores Below 80?

If a partner scores less than 80 points, it’s time to consider the implications and potentially reassess the relationship. While no relationship is perfect, a score below 80 suggests that the foundational aspects crucial for a healthy and fulfilling partnership may be lacking. This can be a prompt for reflection, open dialogue, and potential change.

Conclusion

The 80-20 Rule offers a practical framework for those seeking clarity in their relationships. By considering essential qualities and assigning point values, individuals can gain a nuanced understanding of their compatibility. Embracing imperfections, communicating openly, and working collaboratively to address differences contribute to a thriving and resilient relationship. Remember, the 80% alignment is a solid foundation, and the 20% disparity is an opportunity for growth and understanding.

Reference

For more information on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and its approach to values, see:

• Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.