Picture this:
Case 1: “I’m fearful that my partner will leave me because I feel unworthy and unlovable. I constantly need reassurance that he still loves me.”
Case 2: “Sometimes I feel suffocated by being in a relationship. I like my independence, and having to make future decisions with someone else’s feelings in mind can be exhausting.”
Case 3: “My partner and I spend plenty of time together, but we also have our separate circles of friends. Since we currently live in separate cities due to his job and university, we check in a few times a day over text and meet up on the weekends for date nights. I’m hoping that once I graduate, I can move in with him.”
Most people would agree that the third scenario is what we all strive for in a relationship—a good balance of independence and intimacy. In contrast, the first two sound like textbook examples of individuals who might be encouraged to seek therapy to work through their anxiety and avoidance tendencies.
If you’ve ever heard of Attachment Theory, these three scenarios have perfectly reasonable explanations that stem from an individual’s early interactions with their primary caregiver.
In Case 1, inconsistent caregiving—sometimes responsive, sometimes not—encourages the child to be clingy, needy, and emotionally reactive, hoping their distress will elicit a response. This leads to an anxious attachment style, where an individual craves constant reassurance to feel secure in relationships.
In Case 2, a caregiver who consistently neglects the child’s needs drives the child to emotionally withdraw, learning that their caregiver is neither trustworthy or dependable. This results in an avoidant attachment style, where the individual becomes highly independent and uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
In Case 3, a caregiver who is consistently responsive and attentive teaches the child that their needs will be met, the world is a safe place, and people can be trusted. This fosters a secure attachment style, where an individual views relationships as reliable, safe, and fulfilling.
Attachment Theory looks pretty good on paper. It proposes that the attachment style you formed with your primary caregiver in infancy shapes how you approach relationships in adulthood.
But how much can we really blame our parents for our romantic struggles decades later?
It’s easy to point a finger at our parents—the people who were supposed to raise us with constant love, affection, and attention—when they fell short. But these explanations feel incomplete. Case in point: my parents were affectionate and provided stability in my childhood, yet I still overthink and second-guess my relationships in adulthood… So what gives?
What Attachment Theory fails to explain is why so many securely attached people still experience relationship anxiety, unease, and, yes—breakups. The theory often perpetuates the false notion that secure attachment equates to a perfectly smooth, “sunshine and rainbows” relationship—an idea that is both naive and unrealistic. In reality, uncertainty, anxiety, and conflict are common and natural in relationships, no matter how “secure” we may be.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?), many factors beyond our control—and beyond how our parents raised us—come into play when determining a relationship’s course and longevity.
For one, timing plays a major role. Beginning a relationship during a life transition automatically adds stress and uncertainty—even for those with secure attachment styles.
Moreover, secure attachment doesn’t guarantee perfect compatibility. Even securely attached individuals may initially choose a partner based on chemistry, only to later realize their values and long-term goals don’t align. Naturally, this can lead to doubt and relationship uncertainty.
Finally, love can be scary for everyone. Becoming close to someone, being vulnerable, and sharing the deepest parts of yourself always carries the risk of loss or heartbreak. The difference between securely and insecurely attached individuals lies in how they respond to these fears. Securely attached people tend to communicate openly, cope in constructive ways, and work through challenges rather than pushing their partner away or becoming overly clingy.
Maybe it’s time we shift the conversation. Instead of jumping to label ourselves with a certain attachment style—an easy “out” that can feel unchangeable—we should look inward. Evaluating who we choose, how we communicate, and what our values are can support both personal and relational growth.
Sources:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
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