Relationship Growth and Repair: Preventative Measures and Therapeutic Approaches to Couples Therapy

Many couples wait until they feel like their relationship is nearly impossible to mend before seeking couple’s therapy. Years of buildup – festering resentment, unresolved conflict, and growing annoyances finally come to a culmination and force people to seek outside help. If this sounds like you, know you are not alone. In fact, it takes men an average of 3.7 years and 7.4 years to seek professional help despite distress in their relationships.

Whether you’re at this point or in a happy, satisfying relationship, there are ways to proactively protect your relationship or help repair it:

Relationship Maintenance Activities

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to derail intimacy or communication. If you are currently in a satisfied relationship, here are some things you can do to proactively maintain those positive feelings.

1. Strengthen an already strong relationship: Trying out new activities such as taking a cooking class together, planning and going on a trip together, or testing out the new restaurant in your neighborhood are all good ways to keep a relationship fun and exciting.
2. Avert declines by implementing maintenance behaviors: If you have a nightly routine–say, making dinner and watching a show– sticking to simple pleasures can help strengthen routines you and your partner value.
3. Respond constructively to conflict to repair problems in the moment: Addressing conflict is uncomfortable, but it is important to do so. Responding to your partner in moments of pain can reinforce the idea that you care and understand them.

Self-Expansion Theory

The self-expansion theory of relationships states that humans are inherently motivated to grow themselves and entering a new relationship is one day of promoting that self-expansion. However, after you have been with your partner for some time, you’ve adopted many of the same routines or hobbies, the process of self-expansion diminishes. To counteract that, active efforts must be taken. In fact, research has shown that one of the best ways to improve relationship satisfaction is participating in novel, arousing activities with your partner. Engaging in adrenaline-pumping experiences—such as high-intensity exercise, visiting an amusement park, or even watching a scary movie that gets the heart racing—can help combat this decline and rekindle excitement in the relationship.

But what if you feel like your relationship is already going through a rough patch, and repair is required rather than maintenance? In such cases, seeking professional help is one of the best ways to gain insight to where the conflict is arising and gain a new perspective on how to address it.

Common Relationship Problems

Some of the most common reasons people seek couples therapy include:

1. Communication Problems
2. Power Struggles
3. Unrealistic Expectations
4. Sex
5. Solving Problems
6. Showing Affection
7. Money
8. Lack of Loving Feelings
9. Children
10. Serious Individual Problems

Recognizing you are not alone and relationship struggles are universal may be the first step to seeking support.

Types of Couples Therapy

There are many approaches to helping partners navigate their relationship struggles, and each approach has its strengths and weaknesses. With this in mind, it may be necessary to try out different approaches to determine which one works best for you and your partner’s personal needs.

Systems Therapy: This therapy approach emphasizes the idea that underlying repetitive patterns of interactions and unspoken rules and beliefs create tension and escalate conflict between partners.

• Reframing: A common technique used in the Systems Therapy, reframing involves relabeling a specific behavior in a more productive perspective:
  • One partner may claim, “He never wants to have sex with me! He’s not even attracted to me anymore.”
  • Reframing would involve taking a curious, more objective stance: The therapist may intervene and propose, “Is there the possibility your partner is feeling stressed or emotionally distant making it hard to feel connected – he did mention his father’s illness has been taking a toll on his energy. Can we identify possible contributing factors and work together to rebuild intimacy?”

Behavioral Therapy: This approach emphasizes behaviors observed between partners and the perceptions and interpretations that give rise to these behaviors. Rooted in Social Exchange Theories, Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT) focuses on improving relationships by changing behavioral interaction between partners, improving communication, and facilitating problem solving.

• Behavior exchange: The first stage of BCT, where the therapist begins to understand how partners can shift their behavior towards more positive ones and demonstrates how improving their relationship can be enjoyable.
• Communication training: The second stage of BCT where the couple learns concrete skills on how to communicate effectively, taking turns as listener and speaker.
• Problem-solving training: The third stage of BCT where the therapist provides specific tools and guidelines to facilitate communication and problem-solving between partners.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: An adjunct of behavioral couples therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy (CBCT) adds a cognitive component to explaining couples’ interactions. This type of couples therapy emphasizes the importance of interpretation – the way each individual interprets their partner’s behavior plays a major role in their reaction and how that action makes them feel. CBCT helps couples escape undesirable cycles of behavior and change negative thinking patterns through cognitive training.

Integrative behavioral couples therapy: A newer rendition of the original behavioral couple’s therapy, IBCT equips couples with tools to tolerate and accept certain aspects of their relationship or partner they cannot change. This technique is often referred to as tolerance building:

• Tolerance building is an aspect of Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT) where one partner identifies undesirable or differing behaviors in their significant other, and the therapist helps them radically accept these differences.
• Example:
  One partner complains that their husband is constantly disorganized, leaving things around the house and creating clutter.
• Perspective Shift:
  The therapist encourages the frustrated partner to understand that their husband’s disorganization may stem from his personality (e.g., not being as type-A) or from external factors, such as stress from work.
• Reframe:
  “I understand that you may not be as focused on neatness as I am, and I know work has been very busy lately, so tidiness may not be the top priority. Can we find a way to compromise on how we manage the space?”

Emotionally Focused Therapy: This type of couples therapy is most rooted in Attachment Theory. EFT helps partners regain a sense of security and share their repressed “primary” emotions (such as abandonment, sadness, and fear of rejection), which are often overshadowed by outward, self-protective “secondary emotions” (such as contempt, anger, or disdain). The sessions are designed to bring couples closer together so they can feel safe sharing their true feelings and fears with one another.

Choosing the Right Approach

These five approaches to couples therapy only scratch the surface of therapeutic interventions available for relationships. Other highly regarded and widely utilized methods include the Gottman Method, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Imago Relationship Therapy (IMAGO), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for couples. It may try out different approaches to therapy to discover which type is most beneficial for you and your partner, or you may find an integrative approach—combining aspects from various methods—most effective.