Sexual orientation refers to a person’s physical, emotional, or romantic attraction to others. It is composed of 5 key characteristics including romantic attraction, sexual attraction, sexual identity, sexual arousal and sexual behavior. Gender identity on the other hand, refers to the sense of which sex a person belongs to. It is a non-binary construct meaning a person can identify with the sex they were assigned with at birth (cis-gender) or feel like they fit an identity outside the male or female binary, such as gender fluid, gender non-conforming, or transgender.
For parents who are cisgender, it can be feel difficult at first raising a child who identifies as queer or as part of the LGBTQ community. There are unique challenges to address such as navigating pronouns, understanding your child’s activity preferences and ways of dressing, and monitoring your child’s peer interactions. These experiences can feel confusing, overwhelming, or uncomfortable at times. Although you may not understand exactly what your child is feeling, fostering a supportive environment and being accepting of who they are will help them grow into their identity.
Coming out is an incredibly brave action. For many children and teens, coming out to a parent can mean disclosing a life-changing aspect of themselves to the person they look up to most. As a parent, this moment can feel completely unexpected and stir up a mix of emotions from confusion, to anger, guilt, or even grief. However, ultimately, coming to terms with your child’s new identity and supporting them are critical to maintaining a loving, strong relationship. Acceptance is the first step because for most children and teens, your approval as a parent matters greatly. Having you to fall back on will help your child develop resilience and navigate life in the face of adversities that may arise.
It is unrealistic to understand exactly what your child is going through. As they are discovering their own identity, they are likely feeling conflicting emotions and confusion. Spending quality time together can bridge gaps of disconnect and demonstrate your love and support. Movie nights are a great family-bonding activity and you can rotate who chooses the film each week or pick as a family. Cooking with your child offers a chance to experiment with new recipes and share your final product together. Learning about your child’s favorite hobbies and engaging in them together – whether through music, trivia, art, or sports– is a great way to connect and validate their interests.
LGBTQ youth are at a heightened risk of mental health problems and suicidality. Factors such as familial disapproval, school victimization, low self-esteem, and bullying contribute to this elevated risk. As a parent, you cannot protect your child from all challenges they may encounter, but you can help minimize them and support your child when they arise.
Individual or Family therapy are good options if you feel you need extra support. One newer therapeutic design for LGB youth is Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT). ABFT designed for LGB youth aims to target and repair the parent-child relationship, rebuild trust, and establish a secure caregiver attachment, all while addressing emotional challenges related to identity and sexual orientation. It has shown efficacy in clinical trials in reducing suicidality, depression, and attachment-based anxiety and avoidance.
Raising a LGBTQ+ child has a host of challenges, especially as you navigate unfamiliar territory. However, showing empathy, acceptance, and active involvement are foundational to supporting your child. Accepting their identity means staying engaged in their life: joint activities, protecting from potential bullying, and seeking additional resources are key. These efforts demonstrate acts of love and commitment to them and can help them thrive, even when difficulties come up.
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